Keep Asking, Keep Seeking, Keep Knocking and Keep Hoping
My postings are coming few and far between in the last year. It amazes me when I read the last post I had written and how much happens between 6 and 9 months. It also reminds me how fast life passes you once you get older. Growing up as a little girl I couldn’t wait till the day when I would make my own decisions, come home anytime I wanted, work a grown-up job, stay out late and travel many places. I’ll be turning 28 in a couple of months and I wish many times I enjoyed my childhood while I was there instead of trying to grow up so fast.
I’ve been busy with school, work and different ministries lately. I found out a couple of weeks ago that this summer will begin with officially being a full-time student and full-time professional until I graduate with my bachelors in Psychology in May of 2012. Only one more year to go and I’m pretty sure after graduation I’ll be looking into some Master programs.
I’ve also been thinking lately about prayer. About a month ago I was asked by one of our Assistant Dean’s here in my department if I would be willing to do a devotional online for our Online Master Students. I felt honored and privilege that they would ask me. It was on any topic that I wanted to pick. As I spent a couple of weeks thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that it would be on prayer. I began to think of sermons that I’ve heard related on prayer. I know there have been plenty of them spoken at my church. As I thought I went back to March of 2010 of a sermon that pierced my heart in many ways. The title of the sermon was What we do in the Meantime. We were going through the book of Luke and studying about God’s Kingdom. The sermon was taken out of Luke 18:1-8. I remember that Sunday when I heard that message so very clear. I had spent the afternoon at Disneyland with my CA family and walked into church very late. I ended up sitting in the Box (our over-flow room) and sat on the floor as I watched the sermon on-screen. Last year was a very tough year for me, actually the last three years have been very hard. I spent most of 2010 in therapy working on issues. As I talked about in my last post my therapist and I spoke a lot about my singleness. I had been seeing all my friends enter into amazing relationships with the men they had been praying for. While they were experiencing love, intimacy, companionship and beauty, I on the other hand was experiencing pain, hurt, rejection, confusion, frustration, anger and loss. I was very angry and confused by God. I had many questions for him and felt like He has abandoned me, my dreams and desires.
That Sunday night listening to the sermon was no exception. I had a long talk with my CA Mom, Rebecca as I joined her two kids and husband at Disneyland in the afternoon. Rebecca and I have very similar stories about our life and it really bonds us close together. She has experienced much rejection and pain in her life and God has blessed her with an amazing family, but before she got there, her journey has been painful as well. Her and I had got done talking about what I was learning in therapy and how I’m dealing with my singleness. When I entered church my heart was already heavy and I had been feeling very weak emotionally. Our teaching pastor has begun sharing the story about the Judge and Widow in Luke 18. He broken down the story in context. You see, Jesus had shared this story with the disciples for when they lose hope. In short, the story is about a wicked Judge who grants justice for this widow who keeps asking. The only reason why the Judge grants justice for this widow is because she keeps asking and she asks a lot. When the story was brought full circle of what it means for us today, the pastor talked about why we pray. We pray because the Kingdom has come. You see it throughout the New Testament, Jesus is healing the sick, making the blind see, feeding the 5,000 and doing many other miracles. And what about in the silence? What about when our prayers aren’t answered and we are continually asking God? We pray in silence because the Kingdom is coming. It’s the here but not yet. There will be a day when Jesus will come back and He will restore everything new, but in the meantime we are to continually pray and ask and ask and ask a lot – just like the Widow in Luke 18.
I thought about all the prayers I’ve prayed that haven’t been answered. I thought about how I’ve prayed them well over a 1,000 times and starting to feel weary and tired. Isn’t God tired of me asking for the same thing over and over again, for the 2,000 time? Isn’t he annoyed by how many times a day I remind him of my unfilled desires and dreams? The answer is no. I think at times we get very tired over certain requests we make to God. It could be the restoring of a relationship, the hope of a husband/wife, the dream of traveling to spread the good news, or the hope that you’ll be in a career that will use all the gifts God has created inside of you. And you pray about these desires. And you pray a lot. A lot. You see no results, you see no answers and you wonder why? When will He answer? I wish I had answers because I can tell you I have two specific prayers I’ve been praying for a long time now, that haven’t been answered and I’m getting very weary and tired.
Last night I began to think about the Widow in Luke 18. How long did she ask this Judge until he granted her request? Did she ever get tired? Did she ever think it would happen? If she’s human, I’m pretty sure this must be true. And then I went back to verses 6 – 8: “And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly.” You see, Jesus knew that his people would lose heart in the meantime and so he shares this story about a wicked judge who answers this widow cry and request. And Jesus points out that if this wicked judge could answer the request of this innocent widow, won’t God who reigns all answer your request as well?
I taped my devotional on this message yesterday and spent most of the day thinking how I was touched my this message over a year ago and still touched by it today. This moment. The here and now. I spend every night praying that God would bring me a man. Not just any man. A wonderful man. Someone who strives, desires and wants to be like Jesus more and more each day. You see, I’ve dated men that said that with words, but their actions clearly were different. He doesn’t need to be perfect and I know he will mess up, but because I”ve had such horrible dating relationships with men, I now know more than ever in my entire life that a man who truly follows God, desires to be like Him. I believe it. I’ve seen it in my friends lives and my own life. And while all my best friends are getting married this year I’m getting very weary and tired of this longing inside of me. Wondering. When will my friends celebrate with me? I’ve spent the last three years celebrating over many friends in my life with their joy of marriage, while I cry over another failed date.
I was stood up back in January after I went on a couple of dates with a guy that I was interested in and from our dates – he was interested in me. Until he stood me up. And I lost it the night we were supposed to go out. I cried and cried and cried. A very small portion of it was him because I wanted to give him a chance and the majority of it was the rejection and dissapiontment…again. I began to question everything that I worked so hard in therapy over. I literally thought – am I poison? And although I know deep down in my soul those are lies, at the moment I couldn’t help but feel that way.
Here I am three months after that incident and I haven’t been on a date since. I’ve been tired. Tired of trying. Tired of hoping that maybe this one might work out. Tired of this whole dating process. Every night before I go to bed and share my thoughts with God I wonder if He will hear me this time. I wonder what the day will be like when I will have thanksgiving in my heart for bringing someone that I couldn’t have imagined. Don’t get me wrong, I have much gratitude in my heart for many things. At the same time I have this unfilled desire and longing that I’ve been praying since I can remember. I was that girl growing up who dreamed about her wedding day. I went to purity seminars and one Christmas my parents bought me a purity ring to remind me to stay pure until that day. Yes…I am that girl. I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m in love with the act of being in love with someone 
Last night on the phone I talked with my best friend, Miss Sarah Jones (soon to be Sarah Livermore). Sarah knows me inside and out. I literally mean that. She knows my faults, my insecurities, my sins, my desires, hopes and dreams. I pulled in my garage, turned the car off and cried to Sarah saying, “I’m ready Sarah, I’m ready to meet someone, I’m ready for sacrafice, I’m ready for committment, I’m ready for love.” We have no answers, we don’t know why God is taking longer with me than he is with our other girlfriends. And this morning I still am not sure what is going on.
But…I keep thinking of that story in Luke 18. Jesus paints this picture of how we are to be like Widow. Keep asking, Keep seeking and Keep knocking and when we feel lost for words or tired and weary, we must trust that there is something in the asking that God values. I haven’t mastered this and still trying to figure this all out. I’ve had to take time off from praying and ask those around me to pray on my behalf. I’m a strong believer that having community around you is life saving. We were not meant to do life alone.
On this beautiful Friday morning on April 8th I’m trying to be hopeful. And in my e-mail earlier this morning I got an e-mail from my roommate/friend saying how she can’t wait for the day when my husband will sing this song to me:
Most girls wish that they had your eyes
And boys secretly fantasize
Who me? I am just mesmerized by your every word and movement
You are close as a girl can be to ideal
Somehow you disagree
The whole world sees perfection
But all you see is room for more improvement
Chorus:
Silly girl, pretty girl
Do you not see?
What a spell your sweet love has cast on me
Girl I pray it never will
This trance be broken
I melt in your mouth when you talk to me
I want to kiss you so slow so sweet
You are a book that I want to read
in braille cover to cover
Girl you’re so deep inside
You’re my DNA
You’re how tall I am
You’re how much I weigh
You’re the reason that someone had penned the phrase
To know her is to love her
And I love her
Chorus:
Silly girl, pretty girl
Do you not see?
What a spell your sweet love has cast on me
Girl I pray it never will
This trance be broken
Everything you do is from some movie scene
Every pose you strike is from some magazine
I want to turn your pages
Chorus:
Silly girl, pretty girl
Do you not see?
What a spell your sweet love has cast on me
Girl I pray it never will
This trance be broken
Oh girl I pray, it never will, this trance be broken
And like the Widow, I’m going to keep asking. And asking. And asking.
No trackbacks yet.