Forever Growing
It’s been a while since I posted on my blog. The last year has been quite the adventure. I’ve sat down many times trying to come up with words, thoughts or ideas to post but never seem to get it all in one simplistic post without it being a novel. I think part of me needed a break from putting together thoughts and allow myself to walk through the journey without having to wonder how I would write. Writing has always been a therapeutic way of me releasing what is going on within my heart. I still have journal’s from middle school, high school and in my early twenties. It’s always amazing and fascinating to me when I look back on my life and where I’ve come from. But for some reason I needed a break.
Back in January I began seeing my therapist Lisa again. I’ve been seeing her off and on for about two years. Finances are usually tight and therapy can become very expensive, but in January I was desiring to be consistent and budget my money to go twice a month. This time we sat down and talked about a lot. Family dynamics, childhood memories, friendships, parents, siblings, events throughout my life and of course relationships. I wasn’t sure what was it was going to be like for me through this journey, but I knew I needed to go there. I needed to face certain issues.
As weeks and months passed through Therapy I felt my heart become peaceful and calmer. Even my relationship with God was changing. I had written a post a while back about the change in my relationship with God. If I could use one word describe the process I would say disconnected. A good friend of mine describe it as the Dark Night of the Soul. She had been going through the same process about a year before. It felt very refreshing to sit and talk with someone who completely understood where I was at. At first I was really angry and confused by God in this season. I describe God as always being loud in my life. Everyday I felt His presence and protection on my life. All of the sudden He became extremely distant and far away. After a while I began to tolerate where I was at with Him. I didn’t know how to fix it. All I knew to do was learn to sit in it. Once I began to do that, I accepted the season and although my heart felt like it was mourning a close relationship I once had with God I knew it was changing.
As I began to sit through my past, deal with issues and become more at peace with myself my heart began to soften towards God. I still felt disconnected from Him and didn’t know where He fit into where I was presently at, but the anger soothed, the frustration subsided and the confusion began to clear up a little. There wasn’t this huge miraculous or undeniable change with Him, but there was a change inside of my heart. I was maturing and growing as an individual. That began to overflow into my personal relationship with God. People had randomly come to me at different times confirming that they saw a change within me – both male and female friends. And it was usually times where I needed to hear it the most.
Next month will mark two years when the journey of the Dark Night began and last Monday, my therapist released me from seeing her. I knew when I was driving to my session that day Lisa was going to release me our meetings. I had felt more peace and calmness inside of my heart than ever and I didn’t have anything to report – only the truth that life was pretty darn good. After my last session with her as I was driving to hang out with my girlfriends I felt free and open to many possibilities. There was much gratitude within my heart knowing that I had worked very hard to get to where I stand today. Even though my heart still felt disconnect with God I could not help be thankful that this gift of growth was enough.
It’s been almost two weeks since I walked out of my last Therapy session and I feel more confident than I ever have, but I realize that I’m still a broken person and will continue to develop and grow through this journey of life. I’m now able to navigate through certain emotions and know where they stem from. My heart is more at rest and peace with my past. And I can honestly say that God’s presence is near. But it’s different. I still have many questions and unanswered prayers, but I’m coming to a place where accepting that there is so much I will never have answers to. I may never know why certain things happened in my life or understand why God decides to do what He does, but I’m learning to be okay with that. Maybe God will never show His face to me again and the desires within my heart won’t be fulfilled but I made a promise to Him that no matter what I will keep seeking, keep looking and never turn my back on Him. No matter what, I’m here to stay following after Him.
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