Living a life for the name of and person of Jesus Christ

A couple of months ago I had my 26th birthday.  I was with a couple of my girlfriends on vacation in Maui.  Our last day was spent on my birthday going to the beach, laying out, having lunch and packing our bags to head back to Sunny Southern California.  For some reason turning 26 wasn’t exciting as turning 25 was last year.  I remember telling friends, “Can I stay 25 for the rest of my life?”

Twenty five was an interesting year for me.  I was more excited about turning 25 then I was with any other age.  I felt like I was becoming this different woman then I ever was.  I had made some significant decisions in my life.  Decisions that I knew were difficult but at the same time what was best for me.  I wondered what the next year was going to look like as I began to open myself to possibilities of God stretching me in more ways than I could imagine.  For the first time I felt free to be who I was.  Nothing was holding me back.

I also saw the year of being 25 has a difficult year.  Life was weighing heavy on me and the depths of my heart were staring at me face to face.  For the first time in my life God was very distant.  It took me a while to recognize this posture.  I held onto the truth that He said that He would never leave nor forsake me.  And then I finally lost it and spent one Saturday morning crying in the arms of a friend as I shared the deepest parts of my heart.  She was so amazing to sit with me and hear the cry’s of my heart.  I thought 25 was going to be this amazing year of celebration.  Instead it became this battle of who God has been in my life.  I realized that my heart was extremely cold and angry at God.  Questions began to arise within my heart about His character, His choices, His goodness and love for me.  As I shared with my friend I concluded that my theology of God and the reality that I live in do not match up.  I did not understand God period.

My quiet times were frustrating.  God seemed no where to be found.  Everything inside of me felt empty and incomplete.  My hopes for what the next year was going to look like deeply faded.  It wasn’t looking like anything I had pictured.  As I shared my frustration with close friends I was encouraged to sit in this season.  I had no idea what that would like for me.  Instead of trying to funnel my way through the dark I began to accept that maybe I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be even though I hated it.  The hardest part was looking back at the times where my relationship with God was so intimate I knew with every being inside of me that He was pursuing me and making himself known each day.  I felt completely loved by God and was devotedly in love with Him.

Fast forward to now over a year in the making of this season of wrestling with God.  I still have many unanswered questions.  I’ve spent many Sunday’s during worship through music standing in the back watching people.  I could not sing – I could not praise.  The deepest part of my core wanted to scream and cry.  One night in particular our main teaching pastor was talking about hope and God’s goodness and asked people if they were wrestling with this idea and really questioning if God is who He says He is to stand up.  My heart started pounding as if I had ran 3 miles.  I stood up.  He then asked those sitting by someone who was standing up to pray over the individual.  As I closed my eyes and took a breath I felt many hands place themselves on my shoulder, arm, and head.  I began to weep as friends interceded on my behalf to the God who I so desperatelywanted to feel again.  I wanted to know that He was there, I needed to know that when Paul said in Romans that all things work together for good that it was truth and still possible in my own life of disappointment and pain.  I needed to know that the God who I have chosen to follow is still the God who parted the Red Sea and had favor on so many people throughout the Bible.  Could He have favor on my own life?  Would my desires come true?

Throughout this course I’ve realized also so much of the truths of how I view and perceive God.  Do I trust Him?  And if not why?  Do I truly believe in His word and promises?  Are the desires of my heart pure and worthy of being fulfilled?  Will the scars and pain of my past haunt me everyday or will I begin to experience freedom and acceptance that it is what it is?  I’m still unsure.  I know I’m blessed beyond measure.  I can look at my life right now and see so many wonderful things and I’m extremely grateful but I also know that I live in a reality where life is hard and suffering is all around me – even in my own life.  I’m constantly having to surrender the scars and wounds that creep up into my life.  I can say that through all of this I have become more transparent in my relationship with God and friends then I ever have been.  There is an honesty that is flowing from within my heart that has been locked up for a long time.

The biggest revelation I have had through this is God has made it clear to me that He knows the depths of my heart and is giving me permission to walk through this – even with all my anger, bitterness, sadness and cold heart.  And it’s through this revelation where I realize more than ever how loved I am by the creator of the Universe.  Only a God of perfect love could walk through the ugliness of my heart  and be okay with it.  I may be afraid to see what truly is there but He isn’t.  I believe the Spirit of the Living God walks through the beautiful and glorious things of life but I also believe He walks in the deepest parts of our souls that cry. 

I still believe in God and choose to follow Him.  I will never abandoned my faith but I’m okay in taking a step back and re-evaluating why I have faith to begin with.  I’m still passionate about God and His people.  I care about the suffering and hurting in this world and allowing myself to participate in organizations and community that serve people.  I want to make a difference in this world – I want to live a life of risk for the sake of the Kingdom of God.  There is much passion inside of my heart.  I have no idea why I’m here and I’m still unclear of where the Spirit of God is moving in my life but I must choose to believe that He is even if it isn’t the way I pictured it to be.  I’m beyond thankful that God is so patient with me – that He never will stop loving me even when I mess up the first, second, third or seventh time.  And maybe through this God is showing me that I don’t have to be perfect – that it is okay to not have everything all figured out.  This whole attitude of striving can be surrendered at His feet and I truly can come to Him with all my brokenness and be accepted because isn’t that the reality of all of us – to be accepted and loved for who we truly are.  No facades, no masks – completely real, honest and vulnerable.