The validation of a father’s love and acceptance is critical so that she is able to really gain an acceptance of herself and have a positive image of what a man is like.  If she doesn’t have that, then it is like going through life with that hole or that vacuum. Women try many different ways to get that filled to validate themselves, unfortunately. 

It [also] really affects their perception of God, especially when you say, “God is our heavenly Father.”  Their image of a father is, “Well, that’s not really very good, so I’m not sure I want that.”  – H.Norman Wright

Last week after driving home from class I had this immense amount of emotion pour over me.  We had just got done watching a film on ethics.  Part of the film was about a man’s own perception of love and life and it led me to thinking about my perception of love, life and relationships.  It’s been a topic on my heart lately and it began this deep and honest conversation with the Lord.  I think for the first time in my life I realized the deep wound I have in my heart that was never filled by an earthly father and how that has impacted my relationships and even my perception of God.

My mom raised me as a single mother until she married my step-dad when I was 12.  I have never met my biological father – he left when my mom told him she was pregnant with me and was never to be seen again.  He isn’t even on my birth certificate.  Growing up there was never a doubt in my mind that I wasn’t loved.  My mom was so amazing to show how much she adored, loved and believed in me – she was my best friend.  We did everything together and I was the center of her life.  I can still look back at the moments as a little girl and see how much my mom sacrificed for me to actually have some what of a normal childhood – I know it was very difficult for her.  I can’t imagine what it was like to be 25 years old and left alone to care for a child.  But I am beyond thankful for her diligence, persistence and complete devotion in loving me unconditionally.  If it is one person in my life today who has set an example of Christ unfailing love it has been my mom hands down.

But as a 25 year old woman I can see that although my mom did her best, she could never be a Father to me – the roles of a mother and father or very different in how they play an importance in a child’s life – particularly girls.  I realized that although my mom was so amazing to say that I was beautiful, loved and adored it is different when it comes from a man.  And although my mom married a man who never treated me like I was a stepchild but always as his own I didn’t receive the love and acceptance that God intends for all girls to have growing up.  I can see how that has affected the way I view myself and the men I have chosen to date.

Never in my life have I had a healthy relationship with a boyfriend.  Gosh, I hate to admit that is the case, yet it is true.  I’ve always dated men who were polar opposite than me, completely broken from their own upbringing or men who are just jerks and full of themselves.  I have never had a healthy view of what type of man I should choose to date, yet growing up in the church I knew that Godly man did exist.  Now, when I say “Godly” I don’t mean a man who claims to be a christian, attends church on Sunday’s and does some volunteering work, but it goes deeper than that…a man who strives for humility and lives a life of sacrifice for the sake of the Kingdom of God and treats others in a way that resembles the beauty of Christ is what I have learned this is the type of man I want to spend my life with.  I’ve realized just because a man says he is a follower of Christ – doesn’t automatically make him suitable for dating.

Not having a man in my life to be that role model in my life has affected me in more ways than I care to admit and although I take full responsibility for making poor choices in life – particulay men I know without a doubt in my mind being aboanded by my Earthly father has had a huge impact on my decisions.  It also leaves me with this deep need in my heart to be loved by a man.

On Saturday morning on the way to girls group my dearest friend Hillery and I were able to have a deep conversation as I shared with her the realization I had the other night and how I have this deep need to be loved by a man.  I was able to even share with her how I hate that the realization of my heart is even true with that matter – it makes me cringe and feel weak – yet it’s true.  Growing up in the church I constantly heard how much God loves me and I don’t need a man in my life to fulfill that longing.  Yes, I know this is true, but that isn’t the reality of most woman who have this wound inside of their hearts and never had a Father to be that role model in their life of what a man is supposed to be like.  The reality is that there are many woman and even men who are searching for full filment on their wound in many ways and a “Christianese” response doesn’t help.

As I ponder this existance in my heart I’m recoginizing and being revealed a lot about who I am and where I have come from and experienced.  I will be 26 in two months and I can tell you that I have a much better idea of what I need in a man and what kind of man I should be dating.  My decisions and choices are a lot different than they were 5, 4 or 3 years ago.  I can see how my experience from the past is giving me an opportunity to choose wisely.

This pondeirng has also created an honest and open conversation with God and even how I perceive Him.  There are many questions I have about God and I also see that there is so much that He still hasn’t revealed to me.  I have often perceived God as this older man who stands tall, mighty and ready to cast me down everytime I make a mistake.  But as I draw closer to Him and His word I see a God with such wisdom and beauty.  I am starting to see that He is so patient with me and even grieves over my wound.  He has blessed me with some incrediable amazing men in my life to speak truth into my life in ways that I never received from a man and I’m completely grateful.

I don’t have all the answers and I’m still processing so much as I allow the Spirit to move in my heart and reveal truths.  I’m constantly this work in progress.  I’m become a lot better in choosing men and usely choose the wisdom God has given me to know what is good and what isn’t.  But I also realize that I constantly have to surrender those deep needs to the Lord and allow Him to do the work He desires.  I wonder if this wound will ever truly be healed in this life time.  When I’m married one day my husband will fail me – the people in my life will fail me but it’s reminding myself that I do serve a God who says He will never fail me and that in the deepest core of who I am – He is with me and I’m to take that promise everyday.