My whole 25 years of existence I’ve heard from my parents, friends, the church – “You must be content in your singleness before you can be content being married.”  I got to admit, I don’t like that phrase, nor do I like the word “content”.  I believe it is over used in the Christian circle.  I wonder how many people truly know the meaning behind that statement when they say it or do they imply it to others because there is nothing else to say in the state of someone who desires to be married, but hasn’t met the right person.

I’ve battled my own “contentment” in my life.  Last year I spent most of my year healing from an end of a three year relationship – with a man I truly was in love with.  Coming out of that I saw many girlfriends enter into great/healthy relationship with Godly men.  I went from being completely broken over the end of my own relationship to bitter at the fact that here I am dealing with so much pain from the loss while others are blissfully falling in love in front of me and even my ex supposedly finding the love of his life.  In the last recent months I have wrestled with God over my emotions, thoughts, actions and attitude – praying for peace or contentment. 

I don’t think I cried as much as I cried in the last year.  Many conversations with friends were, “I’m tired of pain, I’m tired of my emotions, I’m tired of feeling.”  Although my friends encouraged this journey of healing and applauded me for going deep I hated it with every being in my soul.  I was angry with God and with myself.  And I felt completely abandoned from the one who says he would never leave me.  My prayers were more of a child angry at their parent because they didn’t understand their ways.

So, this brings me to today and the last couple of weeks.  It’s been over a year since the break-up and never in a million years did I think I could poses the state of mind that exist today in my soul.  I thought those tears would last forever…even when friends said it wouldn’t be like that forever.  As I laid my head to sleep last night after a wonderful time with life group there were millions things that I could have lifted up but the only thing that my heart could speak was complete gratitude.  In Brennan Manning’s book Ruthless Trust he spends a whole chapter talking about gratitude and even says, “The foremost quality of a trusting disciple is gratefulness…” 

There are no words to explain this peace I am at in my life.  Instead of jealously over the wonderful relationships my girlfriends are experiencing and even some who are about to get married this year I am completely grateful and happy that they have found the love of their life.  And as I think about my last relationship with the only man I have been in love with in my life – I’m grateful that I no longer am in that relationship and also grateful for the painful journey it took me to realize how God has protected me from so much more pain.  I think most of us can see how when in painful difficult moments everything is so foggy and dusty – nothing makes sense.  And yet it is always in hind site once time has passed and the fog is lifted from your eyes and things are finally clean you are able to see the whole picture.

Not only has this place of peace given me a heart of gratitude, but also the state of mind of being okay where I am at in life as a single woman.  Everyday I wake up to get ready for work I’m thankful for the job I have and the people I work with…the community of people God has placed in my life…the different ministries I’m involved in to be used and even the breath of life I have.  I always knew that this season would come, yet it seemed so far in the distance, but I don’t think I would be so grateful for it if I hadn’t had those moments of anger, sadness, pain or disappointment.  The times where I thought I had been abadoned and even felt it were the moments where He really was caring me, just like He had said in His word.

By no means do I have my life figured out, everyday I’m learning to cultivate the Grace of God and simply allow His Spirit to be present in my life.  I am constantly being reminded of what it means to truly go deep with others and posses a life of humility, strength, courage, grace and love.  I’m so thankful that we serve a God who is so patient with us, allows us to be real and honest with ourselves and Him.  If it is one thing I have learned over the last year is that being real with God is a beautiful thing.  I’m not afraid anymore that He might lash at me for being pissed with Him, but that the love that was shed on that cross is the very love that He gives even in our moments of doubt.