When I was 19 I was given a book called Sacred Romance by John Eldridge.  I read bits and pieces of it and ended up putting it down.  It didn’t seem to resonate in my heart at the time or I just didn’t care.  So, last night with a few minutes to spare before bed, I decided to take the advantage to pick up this book and start reading the first chapter and this wonderful paragraph caught my attention:

“”The inner life, the story of our heart, is the life of the deep places within us, our passions and dreams, our fears and our deepest wounds. It is the unseen life, the mystery within – what Buechner calls our “shimmering self.” It cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion. Art, poetry, beauty, mystery, ecstasy: These are what rouse the heart. Indeed, they are the language that must be spoken if one wishes to communicate with the heart. It is why Jesus so often taught and related to people by telling stores and asking questions. His desire was not just to engage their intellects but to capture their hearts.” – The Sacred Romance

I am a person with a big heart and there have been many times in my life where I have been pissed that God created me to love and feel deeply.  My heart is the core where I dream, have vision, seek God, love God, desire intimacy – to love and be loved.  If you would have asked me 10 years ago where I saw myself at the age of 25, it wouldn’t be where I am now.  My little naive heart didn’t know what was ahead in my life.

I’ve been thinking about the places that I have allowed my heart to go weather it was career wise, family, friends, church and relationships.  And I also remember when I fully allowed Jesus to capture my heart.  Each of us have a different story to tell when that moment hit you where you realized that it was just you and God and nothing else mattered – nothing.

Last week I was reminded of that time in my life – the desperation, the longing for God to come and be real and evident in my life.  And the thing with God is He is never predictable.  Completely takes you off guard but can captivate you and make you feel like you are the only person for Him.

I was 20 and it was during a weekend of brokeness where Jesus captivated me.  And I can assure you that I have not been the same woman since than.  It amazes me how in your complete brokeness, sorrow and pain the God of the universe can sweep you off your feet.  Redemption came for me that weekend in January of 2004.  I realized that my faith wasn’t because I was raised in it, went to church youth group or read the bible and the right books, honored my parents, it was because I completely realized that this life isn’t worth living without Jesus Christ by your side.

After that incident the next year Jesus became more real to me than He ever had.  I felt completely in love with my savior – really in love.  They say that a woman is most beautiful when she is in love – I believe it.  I felt completely beautiful and ready to conquer anything that came my way. 

It’s been five years since Jesus rescued me and gave me a new heart.  Growing up I always believed in Jesus Christ, loved Him and desired to devote my whole being to serve Him, but I believe there comes a time in ones life where God becomes more real to you then He was when you were 10.  I am amazed how fast these past 5 years have been.  I’ve been able to ponder and look back at where my heart has been.  There are many good places that it had experienced His goodness, but with goodness also comes pain.  I’ve had to spend many nights in the arms of friends as they wiped the tears away from my face, prayed over me, and cried with me.  Although those are the moments where I hated that I even had a heart, they were the times where I felt closet to God.  At the time you don’t understand it and you wonder how it could it be possible that the God of the Universe was comforting me.  It’s in hind site when things are a bit clearer and the fog has been washed from your eyes where you see that He did carry you just like you had asked Him to.  And I’m thankful that this Valentines Day that the one who has brought me through many hardship and trials to come holds my heart.  I can trust and rest in the truth that the way He created my heart to be is exactly how it should be.