In the last couple of weeks, I have immense myself into many changes in my life.  I started a new job last week working as the Dean’s Assistant at a local Christian college which led me to leave my old job I was at for two and a half years.  I moved into a new place with a dear friend of mine into a beautiful apartment and had my wisdom teeth pulled.  My life has been busy in the last weeks coming home from a wonderful trip visiting my family in New York.  Since I got back a couple of weeks ago I feel like I haven’t had time to rest.

On top of the new changes, I’ve had some disappointing news about my South Africa trip – I will not be going this winter.  After much prayer on my own and with the leaders, there was an agreement that it was not the right timing with all the different changes happening all at once in my life.  I knew the morning of the day I was going to find out the news on “yes” or “no” on the trip I read my usual devotional which title was, “When God Says No”, and it was immediately I knew that God was saying noto South Africa and yet as disappointing it is which I have so much passion and desire to serve those I would meet in South Africa, I had this peace and comfort that it was going to be “okay” and I must trust like Isaiah says, “His ways are not our ways…”  I was encouraged to apply for the summer trip that leaves in June or July and so I’m faithfully praying that if that is God’s will, He will open the door.

What is so great about my job is on Monday’s, Tuesday’s, Thursday’s and Friday’s they have chapel from 10:30AM-11:00AM.  It is not mandatory to go, but because I love that I get a half hour to go and hear from the Lord, I go.  And yesterday at chapel they taught on Psalm 43 where we have that famous verse, “Be still and know that I am God.”  I have grown to appreciate this verse many times in my walk with the Lord, but something stood out yesterday that left me teary eyed and thankful for God’s word.  After the message, they played a song that I am very familiar with by Rebbecca St. James, Be Still and Know.  I was in Junior High when this song came out and I remember singing along many times when I would hear it.  As I sitting listening to this song, I fell the spirit of the Lord remind me to Be Still and Know that He is God.  With all the changes going on and disappointments I have been experiencing there has been a lot of question of who God is in my life.  When I shared last week with my two co-leaders, Rich and Curt about my news with South Africa, as I stood there weeping I said, “I don’t understand God…He says noa lot in my life and then He gives you these desires and asks you to wait.”  It was a vulnerable moment for me.

I am so amazed and blessed by my new job and the opportunity I have here to flourish in my career path, but there are also many other passion and dreams that I desire that seem to be so far in the distant.  I’ve seen in the last weeks many girlfriends flourish in relationships with Godly men in their lives who love and cherish them the way that God desires and find myself asking, “God, did you forget about me?”  I have had many of my wonderful friends tell me, “I promise your time will come when you will meet the man of your dreams.”  But when you see all your  best friends meet their dreams you wonder if yours will ever come true. 

I’ve spent many nights recently wondering about my time.  Does God even have a match for me out there and if so will he love me just the way that I need to be loved?  My last relationship was horrible and left me with many wounds and lies.  I felt so inefficient in that relationship, I was never enough or I was too much and it scares me to know that this is true.  The core of my being knows that the truth is I am enough and I’m not too much but it is a battle to not believe those lies. 

And so this brings me back to Chapel yesterday about being still.  As I sat there listening to this song I knew God was speaking to me, to remind me that He still is who He says He is.  That I need to trust that my dreams, passions and desires will come to past and what He says He promises, I must believe, even in the weakest moments or times of my life.  And I know where I am at is a good place.  I believe that with every being inside of me that He is holding me and walking this journey with me and I can’t see what is in front of me, but the faith that has got me through so many dark moments of my life must remain and grow stronger and deeper.\

I’ve seen so much of His faithfulness in my life that I couldn’t even imagine that it wasn’t true now.  I’m not sure why the path God has given me is the way that it is and it seems with others it is easy because I can stand here and say that my path has not been easy.  It has been quite the opposite – hard.  And even though sometimes I don’t understand, there is that still small voice that whispers to me, For My Glory.  And because I have seen his marvelous glory revealed in my life I realize that the valley’s seem to be all worth it, knowing that my King, my God is not only unveiled, but that in the midst I am drawing deeper into intimacy with Him.