Last year I ventured out on a missions trip to New Orleans to help with relief from Hurricane Katrina.  I remember when our church launched the “GO Campaign,” at our church.  I knew that I wanted to be a part of this movement that was taking place.  With all the different places to choose from after prayer, my friend and I decided to sign up for one of the New Orleans teams that were going.  As the days anticpated the arrival of the trip I could not help and wonder how God was going to use us and how we were going to be changed as we came back to Orange County, California.

Those 5 days spent in New Orleans changed my whole perception of servanthood and missions.  To my left of my desk is a group picture of my team.  All 22 of us.  As I look at that picture I am reminded of the effort each of us put in to be used.  From the first project of doing yard work for a house that looked like it belonged in the forest, to having conversations with the homeless down in Jackson square and meeting Mary who shared with us her story of the days of Hurricane Katrina…my heart, soul and mind was being transformed for a deeper understanding of what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ.

I spent days writing in my journal coming back from that trip asking God what was next.  My heart was overwhelmed with emotion and longing to do more.  Mission trips have there way of doing that to us, don’t they?  I got the opportunity to share with numerous people my experience and desire to do more for the Kingdom of God.

It was a couple of months before I left for New Orleans I went to a good-bye gathering for my friend Erin who was headed off to be a missionary in Africa.  As we sat in chairs watching videos of the people of Africa something began to stir in my heart.  I wanted to go one day.  I never thought in a million years I would have a desire to go to Africa.  Not that I was against other countries, I just thought that the United States was where I wanted to serve.  I love how God slowly and patiently changes our desires when we allow him.

Earlier this year they were asking for applications for those who wanted to go on a missions trip to South Africa.  This was the first time my church was sending people on this trip.  When I had heard about it I saw that I had missed the deadline to turn my application in.  After realizing this I said, “Lord next year when the opportunity arises I want to be the first to fill out the application and turn it in.”  A couple of months passed and then to my suprise during announcments one Sunday morning they mentioned that they were sending a second team to Africa for the winter.  I knew immediately God was calling me to turn in my application.  I just knew that I knew that I knew.  So, I printed out the application online and turned it in.  Following the week of turning in my application I got a call for my interview.  On the day of my interview I asked that God would be my words and that whatever happends would be his will…but deep down inside I was screaming, “Please let me know…I want to go…I want to go.”  After my meeting they said they would get back to me in the next couple of weeks.

The next couple of weeks I anticipated weather I was going to get the call that I had got accepted or that they were sorry but to try out for next year.  I was telling everyone I knew how I truly wanted to go and knew that somehow, someway God was going to put it on the leaders hearts to choose me out of the 20 people they were going to take.  Well, on Thursday, July 31st I got a call from one of the ladies who interviewed me and she said, “Tiffany how would you like to go to South Africa?”  With completely excitment in my voice I said, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”  That day I could not stop telling everyone that I knew…co-workers, friends and family.  Out of 60 people who applied to go on this trip I was one of the 20 that they had picked.  I couldn’t believe it.

Last Sunday we had our first orientation where I met my team and the founder of the organization that our church partners with in South Africa.  We got to learn about the culture, what to expect and the next few months of preparing for our departure in Decemeber.

The orangization that we will be working with is Bridges of Hope.  They have built a retreat center for children who are orphans.  Since most of these kids do no have family we will be having Christmas with them at the center.  We were told that it is going to be like summer camp.  And since December/January in South Africa is summer I know that it is going to be a time of a lot of outdoor activties.

Last night I had a conversation with a woman I met a few weeks ago.  She works for Campus Crusade for Christ in Florida.  I was sharing with her how I am so excited to learn about the culture and see how others truly live life.  I desire to see the joy that these people have even in the midst of horrific circumstances with AIDS being a huge epidemic in that area and tons of children being orphaned daily due to AIDS.  She shared with me the joy of the experience I will have since she herself has been to South Africa.  As we ended our conversation with prayer I wrote in my journal and asked God to walk with me in this journey, through fundraising my money, getting to know my teammates, learning about this culture and being open to however He desires to use me.

It is amazing how I never thought I would go to South Africa and here I am getting ready for a trip that is going to change me in more ways than I can imagine.  I love how God changes our hearts for His desires when we allow Him to.  He is so good at that

“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be son’s of your Father in heaven…” Matthew 5: 44-45. 

As I walked into church for the Saturday night service and grabbed a bulletin the title said, “Love your enemies.”  Growing up in the church you often here this phrase used countless times.  I have heard many sermons on how important it is to love those who curse you, or wrong you or out to get you.  Growing up love seemed easy.  Probably because I didn’t really know what it meant to truly love - Love boundlessly that is, the way that God loves.  Usually growing up I would have my normal fights with friends or the arguments with your parents because they tell you want to do all the time but usually after the fights weather it was friends or parents you “kissed and made up.”  And maybe loving was easy because of my child like mindset that didn’t seem to have that easy bitterness of life yet, or the hardships of facing grown up life and realizing that life isn’t all that is cracked up to be.

So, back to this weeks sermon at my church.  I was already excited for how my Saturday night was going to turn out.  I had two wonderful girlfriends sitting with me and on top of that some other friends all joined since after church we were all going to head to the Orange County Fair (It is a tradition for me to go since I have been a little girl).  Saturday night services are always so refreshing since it is less crowded, you don’t have to rush to get a seat and the people you see are mostly families which brings in this warm welcome.  I knew I was ready to receive whatever the message was going to be about and asked God to open my heart to the reality of what He desires to show me.

I can’t remember all the message (if you desire to listen to it you can go to rockharbor.org and click on the message at the top that says, “Love your enemies” trust me, this message will impact you no matter where you are at in life) but I do remember starting to let the tears pour when our main teaching pastor, Mike Erre began to describe the rejection and persecution Christ went through on the cross and yet in the midst of it he loved those who rejected him, spit on him, mocked him and hung him on the cross to die.  As he began to speak about what it means to love our enemies, both my two friends put their loving arms around me as they knew exactly what was going on in my heart.  I didn’t realize it until then, but my ex-boyfriend, a man who I still love today in some form had become such an enemy in my heart.  For the last three years I was tossed back and forth on one minute him loving me and the next minute not sure about things.  The words he used to cut me down (I don’t believe it did it to be malicious, he himself wasn’t sure what he was doing) have become such a hard escape to overcome.  Insecurities that he pointed out at me and then use them against me have been tormenting me wondering if a man could ever love me the way that God desires for me to be loved.  The abuse that went back and forth has taken such a deep root in my heart.  Why can’t I just let all this junk go, why can’t I just heal?  As I sat in my chair with my girlfriends arms around me my heart was pounding inside of me and the realness of my heart was being exposed.  I will never forget when the Mike Erre said, “Sometimes we just need to be reminded that our God is big enough to handle justice and take care of all the wrong doings that have happened to us.”

As the music started I found myself walking over to the crosses around the room.  I normally don’t go to the crosses during response time, but this was a time where I knew I needed to kneel before my Father and lay it all out.  And for the first time as I knelt down at the cross with my head bowed God spoke to me and said, “No need to speak.”  So as I sat there weeping and let it all out and the amazing thing is that I didn’t need to say a word, He knew my heart, He knew exactly what I wanted to say, but had no words to say.  All he wanted from me was an open heart to be humbled by him.  For the next 10 minutes I just sat there at the cross weeping.  And my passionate heart could only say, “God I want to trust that you are big enough to handle this situation.”

As I walked away from the cross to head back to my seat I felt this sense of peace wash over me.  A peace in my heart that says, “I am big enough, trust me and I will show you.”  So with my hands raised during the last song I praised God and thanked Him for showing me the truth inside of my heart and being so patient and loving in all of it.

And so I received a phone call this week from a person who has become a second mother to me, telling me how she thought about me during the Sunday morning message (the same message I heard on Saturday night).  She challenged me to pray for my ex and to allow God to use that prayer time to continue to heal my heart for the last 3 years of much heartache.  It has been 5 months since I partied ways with my ex and yet I can only recall one time where I truly sincerely prayed for him.  I was sharing with my life group last night how for the three years he was in my life I constantly prayed for him in so many ways, yet in the last 5 months my heart has been cold toward him and praying for him was not something I wanted to do.  As Rebecca challenged me this week to pray for him I can not help but feel a sense of the spirit leading me to do so and giving me the words and strength to pray for this “enemy” of mine that I have created in my heart.

After life group last night I had my life group lay hands on me and pray over my heart and the continual healing process it is taking for me to move on with my life.  Never did I think that I would be here in this situation.  When you are a hopeful person like myself you believe in the best when it comes to relationships, work, friendships and life.  It still baffles me how you can be so close to someone and then walk right next to them like you never knew them.  I don’t understand it.

We all have enemies within the depths of our heart and even justifiable so, but as Christians Christ calls us to live a different standard, a different life that says to loves those who hurt us, to pray for those who wound us.  How would our life be affected if we actually lived up to this?  How would our hearts change?  My hope is that in the midst of praying for those people it means letting go.  It means saying, “God I leave them in your hands.”  And us I understand it is not easy, it can be a battle, but I promise it is a battle worth fighting, it is a life style worth living and maybe we don’t get anything out of it, but what we do get is a Heavenly, Perfect Father who is pleased.  And even in the midst of being obediant our perspective of life changes and instead of living in bondage or expectations we can live a life of freedom.

In less than a week on the 17th I will celebrate my 25th birthday.  When I think about turning 25 I get excited, but also edgy.  Growing up I used to dream about what I would be like when I became an adult.  Stay up late nights, parties with friends, going to different places without having to ask and one day having a man by my side to share this incredible yet challenging journey we call life.  It seemed so far as a little girl, yet here I am living that life that I used to dream about.  Making my own decisions, working to provide, having responsibilities I used to grow up and see my parents have. 

Turning 25 has a lot of emotions mixed in it, especially thinking about where my mom was at when she was my age.  And actually at the age of 25 her paradigm shifted when she gave birth to me with no husband or partner to help her out.  Left alone to care for a newborn my mom was on the path of single motherhood.  Growing up my mom showed so much love, care and devotion to me.  We were inseparable and I remember thinking how beautiful and smart she was.  I wanted to be just like her in so many ways.  Never in my life have I met a selfless woman like my mom.  She sacrificed so much to take care of me and constantly thinking of myself rather than her own needs and wants.  And through all the hardships a single mom faces she was completely devoted and still is to God.  I saw her many times sitting reading her bible, journaling or studying for a bible study.  She completely embodied the type of Godly woman that I strive for today.

In the last year life has had it’s highs and lows.  I remember the day before my 24th of reaching a point of walking into womanhood and knowing that 24 was going to be a new founding journey.  I went on my first missions trip in a while to New Orleans to serve those in need after Hurricane Katrina, I became a life group leader with two amazingly God fearing men, had my frist Christmas without my family, started the new off with a great group of friends and said good-bye to a three year relationship.  I began to dig deeper into my past and ask God to show me places in my heart that need healing which led me to begin the Sexual Assualt Woman’s Group at my church and realize so many things of what God wants to bless me with in the future concerning a mate.  In the midst of all of this I have had many friends come alongside me in my pain and weep with me, encourage me and praise me for the striving I am doing to draw closer to my Lord and what He has in store for me.

Twenty-four has been truly a stepping stone year in so many ways.  I knew it was going to be and now as I am about to turn 25 I even feel that God is saying this is going to  be a year of Jubilee.  I don’t even know that that looks like, but I feel it.  Turning 25 is huge for me, maybe because for the first time I finally feel at peace with my past, my present and my future.  I am not fretting or finding myself feel guilty for the mistakes I have made.  Instead I am embracing all that I am and although it is still a journey and a process, more than ever I am confident that through everything I have done and have gone through God is completely satisfied in who I am.  There is nothing that brings our Heavenly Father joy when we allow ourselves to accept all that He has made us, our imperfections and our strengths.  He has made everything beautiful in it’s time.

Thank you Lord for another year of accomplishment and I wait for another year of hope and confidence that near or far you are with me, together we are making your name famous.

I have mentioned before my life group does a challenge the last Wednesday of each month.  When I found out that my two co-leaders were going to be out of town and asked if I would facilitate it I was a bit nervous.  I haven’t led group in a while first of all to concentrate on some other things in my life, but I also had never led group while both of them were out at the same time.  If one was gone I had the other there for support. 

Last week I began my quest of thinking on what the group could do.  We have done many things such as visiting nursing homes, hung out with the homeless, prayed outside of jail walls and prayer walks.  As the days went by I prayed that God would grant me an idea. 

Prayer has been a huge part of my walk with the Lord lately.  Obviously being a christian prayer should be the most important practice we do and yet how many times do I go through my day allowing all the busyness crowd my thoughts.  It is easy to forget about praying when things “seem” to be going right in your life.  Maybe your job is great, relationships are flourishing and many opportunities are at your finger tips.  I realize at times in my life that I don’t pray as often as I should because things seem good, but what about when the waves hit against the rocks of our life…we immediately realize how important prayer really is.  And maybe our prayers become a way of bargaining with God to get us out of the situation when instead it is supposed to be an act of intimacy and devotion we desire to be close to our Lord.

So, back to the whole practice of prayer.  Yes, I will admit that I am in a rocky season right now where I am attacking many demons from my past and on the path to healing and restoring which has caused me to pray and seek God daily.  As I thought about how important prayer is I realize not only is prayer essential in my walk with God, but it is just as important to pray over others.  And so last night our challenge for our life group was laying out our prayer request and individually laying hands on a person and praying over those request.  We spent 2 hours praying for one another.  And with my surprise both of my co-leaders were able to show up since their plans of being out of town changed a day later.

I was a bit nervous thinking about what it was going to be like.  I asked God all day yesterday to release all my expectations and the only thing to be expectant about was that He was going to show up and hear our prayers.  As I got to our life group location I was blessed by Rich (my co-leader) asking if he could pray for me before we begin and of course I accepted.  After our prayer our night began.  I was first as I know most of the people were a bit nervous to be real and open about their hearts.  I was a bit nervous myself since I was going to share things that most of them didn’t know…especially with me  being in the sexual abuse group on Tuesday nights, but as I opened my heart and sat in the middle and had my group lay hands and pray over me I knew it was at that moment that it wasn’t about a feeling of Him being there…I just knew that I knew the Spirit of the Living God was upon all of us.

Praying for the different individuals in my group gave me such a confidence in my own prayer life.  I often struggle at times of how to pray and what to say, but last night the Spirit gave me ALL the words to say.  I didn’t have to rely on myself, but fully on Him.  I got to hear more in depth of people’s hearts in where they are at in life, the things they are struggling with, the freedom’s they desire and the love from God that they so desperately what to embrace and walk in.

On my drive home last night I could not help but give praise to God for such an intimate opportunity.  A true challenge for others to open up and be real with their hearts.  My hope is that after last night we as a life group are closer and that our life group would be based on the practice of prayer.  That it would become our daily life…that we would live and breath to commune with God and we would remember those request from our fellow brothers and sisters.  Christ was a complete example of what it truly means to pray.  Many times you see Jesus in the gospel’s walking in the distant to pray and commune with the Heavenly Father.  He knew where He would find His strength, peace and comfort in the midst of such a chaotic world and my hope and prayer is that His example will become the realness of my life and others.

For the last 9 weeks I have been involved in a wonderful group of woman who meet on Tuesday nights to support, talk and heal through abuse that has happened in our lives.  When our main teaching pastor at our church first announced about this group that would last for 12 weeks I felt a tug on my heart to join.  There was no questions asked, my heart knew that no longer did I need to hide this part of my life,  but the Spirit of the Lord was prompting me to face it head on and embrace the change that He was going to do within the weeks to come.

 It is not easy for me to talk about what is going on in my heart through this process which is some ways surprises me but in other ways reminds me of the reality of my heart.  This part of my past is not something that I am comfortable talking about, most of my close friends have found out only since I started this class and faced with the reality that this is a part of me.  As I came home from class and hanging out with friend my best friend asked how my class was (every Tuesday she is faithful to see how my night went) and the tears began to pour, my heart was being open and vulnerable to so many things that I have been dealing with.  And for the first time in the last 9 weeks I opened my heart to her about everything, the struggles I am facing, how every Tuesday seems to be a battle for me, how my quiet time with the Lord isn’t as sweet as I desire, the anger that is in my heart, the sadness and grief that begins to flood in waves.  ”Pain is all I feel, just pain.”  And not the type of pain when you accidentally cut yourself while cooking or the pain of a splinter in your skin.  It is deeper than that.  You know the wounds that we carry around from when we were a kid.  Maybe you could do nothing right in your parents eyes so you live with this stamp on your heart that says, “I am not good enough.”  Or when kids in school constantly teased you for wearing hand me down clothes, so now when you go shopping as a grown adult you buy everything that is designer and brand new.  Those are profound wounds.  

Even in the midst of this fulgurating season being apart of this support group has been wonderful.  Each woman in there brings a sense of comfort, grace, humility and love that brings joy to my heart.  Hearing their stories and how they are dealing with it now in life has allowed this freedom inside my heart that clearly speaks, “You are not alone.”

I am learning a lot, embracing much and expanding my mind to the path of healing and how that looks for me as an individual.  More than ever I realize that the path of Christ is not an easy path.  Christ said so himself that we would face trials and tribulations, but to take heart because He has overcome.  Even in the midst of this pain I am experiencing and gushing out all the wounds that cripple me in many ways there is hope-hope that the other side is there waiting for me.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes in the turbulence of pain we ask God that he would take it away and bring us to the dry land away from the ocean’s current yet it is in the pain where healing takes place.  It is where the blood and body that was bruised and poured out for us becomes real and evident.  And when the pain seems unbearable and plenty I know that He is by my side.  He is holding me, walking with me and will not let go of me during this path.  Healing, redemption and restoring is around the corner, but the fire must burn because in that burning I am being perfected - we are being perfected.

And I’ll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don’t fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you - By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North

Yesterday as I got ready for the day I grabbed my usual make-up box and looked at it and decided, “I am not going to wear any make-up today.”  Instead I put my hair in a ponytail, put my jeans and T-Shirt on and headed out the door. 

As I woke up this morning to begin my Monday work day I also decided that I didn’t want to wear make-up to work.  In the two years that I have been at my job I recall only one other time where I didn’t wear make-up to work - Christmas Eve.  Last year it was more on the lines of the fact that half of the staff wasn’t going to be in the office and there was no need to impress, but today and yesterday it is a whole different feeling.  In the movie Sex and the City Carrie (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) dies her hair brown.  It was her way of expressing her pain and dealing with it.  And maybe for me, not wearing my make-up is an expression of this season of my life I am in.  It is being real and honest with myself.  Allowing certain emotions to pave them way through and allow God to meet me in the midst of them.  I realize more than ever that beauty is more deeper than the clothes you wear, how many shoes you own, the make-up you wear or how your hair looks.  Dictionary.com says, an individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace.  Grace….I love that beauty is Grace.  In the New Testament there are two Greek words for grace and one of them is called, Chairs(pronounced khar’-ece) which means, “good will, loving-kindness, favour; that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness.  The word is also translated in English as beauty.  Grace is beauty, not make-up or the latest fashions or the most stylish purse ever.  For those who know me I am a fashion queen.  Have been since I was a little girl, always wanting new purses, shoes or clothes…it is a part of who I am, but it is not who I am as a whole.  Yesterday as I was at the mall with my friend meeting up with her family members I took a look around the clothes department and usually something ALWAYS catches my eye, but this time as I was looking nothing was appealing.  When I told my friend about how as I look at the clothes and didn’t feel the need to buy something or the desire to she said, “Because Tiffany you are realizing that beauty is so much more.”

As I reflect more on that statement I can’t help but realize that this may be true in my heart.  I know this in my head, but it doesn’t seem to pass through into my heart and as I was walking in the mall with no make-up on and simply put together, the only thing that seemed to make me happy was being who I am - a woman of grace.  A woman of true beauty.  Living in a world today that focus so much on outer appearance to define beauty can be daunting.  We as woman are fighting daily to ignore the lies that pop in our head as men also deal with the lies of feeling like failures.  It becomes this battle and fight that can be overwhelming at times and when we don’t get it right we beat ourselves up even more.  “Why can’t I just believe that I am beautiful?”  “Why can’t I just believe that I am not a failure.”

What would our life look like if we truly walked in grace?  Walked in a way that gives ourselves the beauty of grace?  I have often heard many wonderful dear friends say to me, “Tiffany you need give yourself some grace through this.”  We can be our worst critic can’t we?  Forming lies of our own and then believe they are true.  This grieves my heart to think that a daughter of the most High King could think such awful things of herself or how sons of the great most High King can also believe the lies of themselves.

There is no quick solution.  And I am learning that I don’t need to find a quick solution, but seek God in the midst of them.  There is nothing that we feel or think that is not far from God.  He knows our thoughts, desires, weakness and loves us through them all.  I love how Paul states in Corinthians, “His grace is sufficient.”  The truth is that His grace is completely sufficient.  His grace is so abounding and enough that the sufficiency of it is sufficient for us.  Beauty is grace and weather or not I or you are wearing make-up or having the right out-fit on, nothing in this world can take away that truth.

This morning I was doing my normal check up’ on the news and came across an article that Christian artist Steven Curtis Chapman’s 5 year old daughter who was adopted from China was killed in a tragic accident involving her brother.  She was hit in the driveway of her family’s home by an SUV vehicle driven by her teenage brother.  He did not see his sister in the driveway.  The young girl was taken to the hospital where she was ten pronounced dead.

I have been a Steven Curtis Chapman fan since I was a little girl…I even did a talent show dancing to his song, “The Great Adventure,” back in grade school.  My heart goes out to the family, no words can be said of this tragedy that this family is dealing with. 

Although we may not know him this family personally, we are still united as one under Christ.  Friends, please take a moment out of your day to say a prayer for our dear brother and his family.

 Lord Jesus I ask that you would bring strength, comfort, peace and your love to this family.  No words to describe or bring forth.  You say in your word to carry each others burdens, pray for one another and Lord I pray for this wonderful family and the journey that is ahead of them.  May your sovereignty and hope be upon them today.

Last year the GO Campaign at my church changed my life.  Those in leadership announced that for a 6-month period of time they were calling 2,000 people to give themselves away weather it was taking a weekend trip to Mexico to help build houses, going to Watt’s to work with the inner city Kids or spending 5 days in New Orleans to help with those who were affected by Hurricane Katrina.  When they rolled out this campaign I remember going home that night and writing in my journal how I wanted to be a part of this, that I didn’t want to miss out.  I began to ask the Lord to direct me and show me exactly where He desired me to go.  About a month later a friend of mine decided that we were going to go to New Orleans.  Her husband was going on tour with his band so it was a perfect time for her and I was open to whenever.  So, July 31st-Aug 4th I set off with 22 individuals to New Orleans to help with relief in the 9th ward - St. Bernard Perish.  I didn’t know what to expect, but I was expectant of the Spirit to move.

Coming back from that trip, changed my whole out look on missions and people.  It is easy to get into a bubble living in Orange County and more than anything it is my desire to be different and not live the norm.  A desire to be missionial was beginning to development in my heart as I came back wanting more from God and this life.  To be used and changed. 

A couple of weeks ago my church re-launced GO Campaign 2008.  This year we started out with the AIDS walk at the Anaheim Angels Stadium and in September they are sending out another team to New Orleans.  After looking at the list of different opportunties I knew that going back to New Orleans was my hearts desire.  This week I went on the church website and signed up for the trip taking place Steptember 23-28th and I am beyound estatic to get a chance to go back and give myself away.

There comes moments in life where evaluating all that is around you is necessary and healthy.  Years ago I was impulsive about many things in my life, such as relationships, friendships, and purchases.  To elaborate more on exactly what that means in my life was that I jumped head in on everything not using discernment or wisdom.  Maybe because I didn’t want to see the “wrong” in things.  I am a positive person when it comes to almost anything, where someone sees the bad, I am able to see the good.  After taking a strength’s test, I found out that this quality of mine is one of my biggest strengths called Positivity and Harmony.

In the last week and a half God has put me in one of the most difficult spots I have been in.  In this it is causing me to step outside the box of my life and look within.  I find myself evaluating my job, places where I do ministry, where I want to be in a year from now, friendships, relationships and even where God is in the midst of all of this.  Yesterday at a leadership meeting we got in groups of 3 and 4 and were asked some questions and to share with the others our answers and one of them was, “Where do you see or not see God’s love in your life.”  I am usually the person who can quickly discern and identify exactly where God is in my life, weather it was the way He reveals His love through friendships, my quite or devotional time, reading books, watching sunsets or being outside.  For the first time probably ever in my life, I can’t answer that question.  As I sat in my group yesterday pondering my answer I said, “Honestly I can’t discern where God is showing His love for me.”  And I got to admit, I don’t like that and I am not sure what to do about it.  Do I pray more, do I read my bible more, to I continue to minister in areas where I am passionate about.  My quiet time with the Lord hasn’t  been that “sweet” and my prayer times have been very quiet as if I am talking to myself or to a wall.  Even moments where nothing but tears stream down for God to make Himself known and real…still there is nothing.

I spent a lot of my time re-evaulating friendships.  Truly identifying how my relationships are, especially those I walk in community with.  I came across a verse a couple of weeks ago in doing my homework for Crown in Proverbs that says, “Those who walk with the wise will become wise.”  Then the next day during my devotional time reading my one year bible the Proverb of that day was that  verse.  When I was doing homework that Proverb stood so clear out of everything else that I read, especially when my desire each day is praying for wisdom and knowledge in the power of the Holy Spirit.  I guess when you have made many wrong choices in life, you realize how important it is to be discerning about current ones.  And with this verse it has asked me to truly look at those I surround myself with and question, “Are they walking in wisdom and making wise decisions.”  Obviously we all mess up and make mistakes, but my belief is because of those mistakes it causes us to re-think how  we make decisions.  With this realization I have come up to some hard hitting truths, ones that leave me empty and wanting more, wanting more out of friendships, wanting deepness, realness and truth.

There are other things that are stirring in my heart, but this is the premise of it all.  I am not sure what exactly God is doing or how He is revealing Himself to me.  There is no doubt in my mind that I am in this place for a reason.  I believe a lot of it has to do with me wanting to grow and flourish as a follower of Christ, but another is to just be real and honest with my heart.  Through this all this verse keeps popping up in my head where the Psalmist says, “Be still and know that I am God.”  Maybe that is exactly what God is desiring for me right now-to be still.  I am not sure exactly what this is all looking like for me and I don’t have answers, I do believe in time and waiting, God will reveal them to me, but for right now I am here in this spot, taking a step back and re-thinking everything in my life, weather I want to move to another state, look for a new job, what ministries I should pursue, what am I really passionate about and what was I made to do.  Taking a step outside of my life and looking within is scary and I feel alone in the midst of it all, but I know there is hope and reason for all of this.  And somewhere deep inside the inner  core of my being there is this word - trust. 

For now, this is to be continued….

“Enjoy the journey now.” - Gayle Woods

I enjoy talking with those who have much wisdom beyond my 24 years of life.  Mostly because my daily prayer is that God would give me wisdom in my daily activities and one day I will have as much wisdom as those woman who I surround myself with.

Tonight was my last night of my communications class.  I sat next to a woman who had been in my nutrition class a month before, but this time I got to know her more on an intimate level.  Each week I enjoyed sitting and learning with her, we would practice exercises together that our teacher had us do and would spend a half hour after each class talking.  She would share about her daughters wedding plans, how she is looking for a new job and her history of what brings her here today.  We mainly connected because like my own mom, Gayle was a single parent raising a daughter.  Her daughter was also abandonedd by her father like my own story.  I got to hear the different struggles that her daughter would face, as they resonate with my own and she had much advise, wisdom and grace toward me.  As we walked out of class today she said she had a gift for me.  Each week she would come in with these health bars that were full of fruit and nuts.  I had been telling her that I meant to go to the store to get some, but haven’t had a chance and so with her generosity, she had bought me a box.  I was overjoyed with her kindness toward my nutritional eating habits.

As we talked as we normally do after class I got the chance to share with her about the group I started going to this past Tuesday and the different things God has been doing in my heart since our church started the Love, Sex and God series.  She affirmed me in my decision and wisdom to join this group and had many encouraging thoughts and revelations for me to leave with tonight, one being about enjoying the journey here and now.  As I drove home thanking God for my new friend with wisdom I began to ponder that wonderful advise she gave.  I thought about how many times my mind wonders off into the distance of what of my expectations in the next 5 years or 10 years.  My desire to be married, having children,  being a part of a ministry that encourages others and disciples those, my career plans of becoming a teacher or being a part of a company that ministers to others in need.  Although those are wonderful desires, it can cause me to miss out on what is going on now in my life and how God is moving.  James says in 4:14 “For what is your life?  it is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.”  I love how the spirit of living God reminds me of His word when I need it the most.

“For what is your life?”  That question pierces my heart and causes me to re-think about what I am doing right now in life that is glorifying the Lord.  That can be as simple as embracing the here and now.  Even the here and now that is hard and tough because it is in those hard moments where we are being perfected in our faith, it is where God is transforming us even more to be like Him and to be used.  James states in chapter 1 verse 2: “My brethen, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience, but let patience have it’s perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”  Aww…such wisdom in that verse.  I love how the meaning of patience in this verse means, “standing fast under pressure, with a staying power that turns adversities into opportunities.”  It is through those hardships where God used them for opportunities to minister to others and bring glory to Him.  Weather it is working through your way in school, looking for a new job, healing of the heart, relationship problems or learning to humble, there is much to gain in the here and now.  There is much to embrace and enjoy. 

So when you start your day tomorrow, don’t worry about the next day or the following day or year from now, enjoy the journey now, this moment, this second because it will quickly pass and once it is gone, it is gone.

“Therefore i say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor father into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value then they?  Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?” - Jesus