A Life Worth Living

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart of sadness.  My heart grieves the process of loss.  And never in a million years did I see this coming.

If each one of us actually sat down together and were able to open our hearts to the depths of emotions that lie in there I can only imagine what we would find.  I’m sure there would be thankfulness, joy, beauty, wholeness and yet at the same time pain, hurt, sorrow, disappointment and anger.  I remember earlier this year when I took a Philosophy class and we talked on the problem of evil.  My professor stated that when it comes to good and evil you can’t have one without having the other.  I don’t know if it was about what he said but it has always stayed in my mind.  I’ve had so many questions on the pain and suffering in this world and in my own life that his explanation on this matter made sense.  I think I’ve always known that about good and evil but wasn’t ready to accept the reality of it.

I’ve seen and experience a great deal of pain in my 26 years of living.  I have so many vivid memories of my past and yet at the same time joy also resides.

Life never prepares you for loss, whether it is a loved one who is ill and on their death bed, the death of a marriage, break-ups, a friend in a car accident or even the lost of a friendship that you cherished so much.  I’m a person who holds friendships very high.  My friends mean the world to me and all of them know this about me.  The friendships I have developed have become more than conversations and hang out time – they’ve become intimate times of bonding with tears, in depth conversations, walking through some hard parts of life with me and becoming a family that shares in joy and sorrow.  With friendships there is always times of annoying each other and that occasional disagreement or fight – just like any relationship.  When disagreements or misunderstanding arise I always work it out with them.  You talk it through, your honest, vulnerable and real and in the end it always works out.  But I realized last night that it isn’t always the case – sometimes you lose that friendship and move on.  There may be hope for reconciliation and restoring for the future but right now all you can see is the dead end.

I always knew that loosing a friendship with a girlfriend was worse than breaking up with a boyfriend.  The gift and beauty of friendship is one of my hearts treasures.  I value my friends in my life with great love.  I’ve seen a community of believers wrap their arms around me in times of deep despair.  They have spoken truth into my life when I needed it the most and have given me great counsel when I have been at lost for words.  They are constantly reminding me how strong, valuable and loved I am.  I’m beyond thankful for the people who have been placed in my life to walk this journey with me.  And as I sit here and think back and thank God for those friends my heart is in deep sadness over the loss of a friendship due to events that took place.  I’m not good at setting boundaries – I hate to admit that but it’s true.  I want to hold everyone in my life so close to my heart but I realize now more than ever how important it is to protect and guard your heart when someone does something that is not okay period.  I usually let it roll off my back, solve the problem (so I think) and then realize that I’m still hurting and not okay with what happened.  I don’t stop, take a step back and really evaluate my emotions and feelings.  I’m constantly thinking of the other person.  I believe this truth of thinking of others is so important when it comes to being a follower of Christ but I also think that we have hearts, emotions and feelings as well as the other person.  More than ever I believe it is important to examine those when you have been let down or hurt and funnel your way through them.  And that tension and uncomfortable ness is okay to sit in.  I’ve been sitting in that uncomfortable ness for the last two and a half weeks and it hasn’t been fun – I’ve actually hated it with every being inside of me.  The problem solver in me wants to fix it immediately. 

As I experienced this posture of sitting in the emotions I began to truly think about what I was feeling – betrayal, broken trust, stabbed in the back, pain and hurt were the things that came to my mind.  I asked God plenty of times – why?  Why now?  Why this way?  I constantly found myself journaling and praying for God’s wisdom in how to handle this situation with grace, love and truth.  I’ve never been confronted with this type of circumstance – I wasn’t prepared for this at all.  And that is when I realized that we really aren’t ever prepared for the darts that get thrown our way – we usually learn as it happens hoping and praying that God’s guidance and wisdom will help you deal with the situation – whatever it may be.  I’ve found myself asking God how I could be Christ in this situation – how to I exemplify His beauty and glory when I feel hurt.  I’m still unsure what that truly looks like in its puriest form but I know last night I had the opportunity to do the best that I can in being loving, caring, compassionate, graceful and yet speak the truth at the same time.  I felt God’s peace all around me as I shared and discussed with this friend.  I was confident in my decision, thoughts, convictions and emotions and although I walked away with feeling good about it all as I got in my car after spending an evening with a woman who has become a mother to figure to me I drove home with sadness in my heart.  Deep sadness.  Sadness of the way it has to be right now – that friendship I cherished so much as been broken and I have no idea how to fix it.  I have no answers at this moment.  Just thinking about it brings me to tears.  And how it all happened makes me even angrier and so I said earlier above a few paragraphs I’m left with – why God?  Why this way? 

As I prayed at the end of the conversation with this friend I gave the friendship into God’s hands.  I believe we serve a God of reconciliation and restoring – you see it throughout the Bible.  God redeems His people back to Him constantly.  We know that part of Jesus coming down and giving up his life for the sake of ours was all about reconciling us back to God – the way He intended it to be.  And yet though I believe this with all my heart I have no idea what it looks like for her and I.  Maybe a couple of months down the road things will change, but all I know right now is that what we had is broken and immediately fixing it right now will not solve how I truly am feeling inside and what I think to be true.  What’s done is done and you can’t turn back and change it and so part of this is accepting it is what it is. 

Back in my sophomore year of high school I had this English teacher who also taught French.  Every week we had a test on French sayings.  One of the ones I remember the most is c’est la vie which in English is translated as that’s life.  As I have been going through this experience this saying keeps popping up in my head.  Maybe it’s a way in connecting the reality with my emotions. 

The truth is I don’t have answers and I have no idea what the future holds.  Will reconciliation take place and if so, how?  I’m open to it but all I know is that right now my heart is deeply sadden not just over the situation that took place but the loss of a deep friendship I truly cherished with all my heart.  I have nothing to say hurtful or mean about this person – I even shared how I still love and care for her but that doesn’t erase what happened or the reality that my heart aches and hates that it has to be this way for right now.  How do you regain trust?  How do you mend a broken friendship?  All I can do is move on from this and hope and pray that some how good must come out of this.  But right now – c’est la vie.

A couple of months ago I had my 26th birthday.  I was with a couple of my girlfriends on vacation in Maui.  Our last day was spent on my birthday going to the beach, laying out, having lunch and packing our bags to head back to Sunny Southern California.  For some reason turning 26 wasn’t exciting as turning 25 was last year.  I remember telling friends, “Can I stay 25 for the rest of my life?”

Twenty five was an interesting year for me.  I was more excited about turning 25 then I was with any other age.  I felt like I was becoming this different woman then I ever was.  I had made some significant decisions in my life.  Decisions that I knew were difficult but at the same time what was best for me.  I wondered what the next year was going to look like as I began to open myself to possibilities of God stretching me in more ways than I could imagine.  For the first time I felt free to be who I was.  Nothing was holding me back.

I also saw the year of being 25 has a difficult year.  Life was weighing heavy on me and the depths of my heart were staring at me face to face.  For the first time in my life God was very distant.  It took me a while to recognize this posture.  I held onto the truth that He said that He would never leave nor forsake me.  And then I finally lost it and spent one Saturday morning crying in the arms of a friend as I shared the deepest parts of my heart.  She was so amazing to sit with me and hear the cry’s of my heart.  I thought 25 was going to be this amazing year of celebration.  Instead it became this battle of who God has been in my life.  I realized that my heart was extremely cold and angry at God.  Questions began to arise within my heart about His character, His choices, His goodness and love for me.  As I shared with my friend I concluded that my theology of God and the reality that I live in do not match up.  I did not understand God period.

My quiet times were frustrating.  God seemed no where to be found.  Everything inside of me felt empty and incomplete.  My hopes for what the next year was going to look like deeply faded.  It wasn’t looking like anything I had pictured.  As I shared my frustration with close friends I was encouraged to sit in this season.  I had no idea what that would like for me.  Instead of trying to funnel my way through the dark I began to accept that maybe I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be even though I hated it.  The hardest part was looking back at the times where my relationship with God was so intimate I knew with every being inside of me that He was pursuing me and making himself known each day.  I felt completely loved by God and was devotedly in love with Him.

Fast forward to now over a year in the making of this season of wrestling with God.  I still have many unanswered questions.  I’ve spent many Sunday’s during worship through music standing in the back watching people.  I could not sing – I could not praise.  The deepest part of my core wanted to scream and cry.  One night in particular our main teaching pastor was talking about hope and God’s goodness and asked people if they were wrestling with this idea and really questioning if God is who He says He is to stand up.  My heart started pounding as if I had ran 3 miles.  I stood up.  He then asked those sitting by someone who was standing up to pray over the individual.  As I closed my eyes and took a breath I felt many hands place themselves on my shoulder, arm, and head.  I began to weep as friends interceded on my behalf to the God who I so desperatelywanted to feel again.  I wanted to know that He was there, I needed to know that when Paul said in Romans that all things work together for good that it was truth and still possible in my own life of disappointment and pain.  I needed to know that the God who I have chosen to follow is still the God who parted the Red Sea and had favor on so many people throughout the Bible.  Could He have favor on my own life?  Would my desires come true?

Throughout this course I’ve realized also so much of the truths of how I view and perceive God.  Do I trust Him?  And if not why?  Do I truly believe in His word and promises?  Are the desires of my heart pure and worthy of being fulfilled?  Will the scars and pain of my past haunt me everyday or will I begin to experience freedom and acceptance that it is what it is?  I’m still unsure.  I know I’m blessed beyond measure.  I can look at my life right now and see so many wonderful things and I’m extremely grateful but I also know that I live in a reality where life is hard and suffering is all around me – even in my own life.  I’m constantly having to surrender the scars and wounds that creep up into my life.  I can say that through all of this I have become more transparent in my relationship with God and friends then I ever have been.  There is an honesty that is flowing from within my heart that has been locked up for a long time.

The biggest revelation I have had through this is God has made it clear to me that He knows the depths of my heart and is giving me permission to walk through this – even with all my anger, bitterness, sadness and cold heart.  And it’s through this revelation where I realize more than ever how loved I am by the creator of the Universe.  Only a God of perfect love could walk through the ugliness of my heart  and be okay with it.  I may be afraid to see what truly is there but He isn’t.  I believe the Spirit of the Living God walks through the beautiful and glorious things of life but I also believe He walks in the deepest parts of our souls that cry. 

I still believe in God and choose to follow Him.  I will never abandoned my faith but I’m okay in taking a step back and re-evaluating why I have faith to begin with.  I’m still passionate about God and His people.  I care about the suffering and hurting in this world and allowing myself to participate in organizations and community that serve people.  I want to make a difference in this world – I want to live a life of risk for the sake of the Kingdom of God.  There is much passion inside of my heart.  I have no idea why I’m here and I’m still unclear of where the Spirit of God is moving in my life but I must choose to believe that He is even if it isn’t the way I pictured it to be.  I’m beyond thankful that God is so patient with me – that He never will stop loving me even when I mess up the first, second, third or seventh time.  And maybe through this God is showing me that I don’t have to be perfect – that it is okay to not have everything all figured out.  This whole attitude of striving can be surrendered at His feet and I truly can come to Him with all my brokenness and be accepted because isn’t that the reality of all of us – to be accepted and loved for who we truly are.  No facades, no masks – completely real, honest and vulnerable.

The validation of a father’s love and acceptance is critical so that she is able to really gain an acceptance of herself and have a positive image of what a man is like.  If she doesn’t have that, then it is like going through life with that hole or that vacuum. Women try many different ways to get that filled to validate themselves, unfortunately. 

It [also] really affects their perception of God, especially when you say, “God is our heavenly Father.”  Their image of a father is, “Well, that’s not really very good, so I’m not sure I want that.”  – H.Norman Wright

Last week after driving home from class I had this immense amount of emotion pour over me.  We had just got done watching a film on ethics.  Part of the film was about a man’s own perception of love and life and it led me to thinking about my perception of love, life and relationships.  It’s been a topic on my heart lately and it began this deep and honest conversation with the Lord.  I think for the first time in my life I realized the deep wound I have in my heart that was never filled by an earthly father and how that has impacted my relationships and even my perception of God.

My mom raised me as a single mother until she married my step-dad when I was 12.  I have never met my biological father – he left when my mom told him she was pregnant with me and was never to be seen again.  He isn’t even on my birth certificate.  Growing up there was never a doubt in my mind that I wasn’t loved.  My mom was so amazing to show how much she adored, loved and believed in me – she was my best friend.  We did everything together and I was the center of her life.  I can still look back at the moments as a little girl and see how much my mom sacrificed for me to actually have some what of a normal childhood – I know it was very difficult for her.  I can’t imagine what it was like to be 25 years old and left alone to care for a child.  But I am beyond thankful for her diligence, persistence and complete devotion in loving me unconditionally.  If it is one person in my life today who has set an example of Christ unfailing love it has been my mom hands down.

But as a 25 year old woman I can see that although my mom did her best, she could never be a Father to me – the roles of a mother and father or very different in how they play an importance in a child’s life – particularly girls.  I realized that although my mom was so amazing to say that I was beautiful, loved and adored it is different when it comes from a man.  And although my mom married a man who never treated me like I was a stepchild but always as his own I didn’t receive the love and acceptance that God intends for all girls to have growing up.  I can see how that has affected the way I view myself and the men I have chosen to date.

Never in my life have I had a healthy relationship with a boyfriend.  Gosh, I hate to admit that is the case, yet it is true.  I’ve always dated men who were polar opposite than me, completely broken from their own upbringing or men who are just jerks and full of themselves.  I have never had a healthy view of what type of man I should choose to date, yet growing up in the church I knew that Godly man did exist.  Now, when I say “Godly” I don’t mean a man who claims to be a christian, attends church on Sunday’s and does some volunteering work, but it goes deeper than that…a man who strives for humility and lives a life of sacrifice for the sake of the Kingdom of God and treats others in a way that resembles the beauty of Christ is what I have learned this is the type of man I want to spend my life with.  I’ve realized just because a man says he is a follower of Christ – doesn’t automatically make him suitable for dating.

Not having a man in my life to be that role model in my life has affected me in more ways than I care to admit and although I take full responsibility for making poor choices in life – particulay men I know without a doubt in my mind being aboanded by my Earthly father has had a huge impact on my decisions.  It also leaves me with this deep need in my heart to be loved by a man.

On Saturday morning on the way to girls group my dearest friend Hillery and I were able to have a deep conversation as I shared with her the realization I had the other night and how I have this deep need to be loved by a man.  I was able to even share with her how I hate that the realization of my heart is even true with that matter – it makes me cringe and feel weak – yet it’s true.  Growing up in the church I constantly heard how much God loves me and I don’t need a man in my life to fulfill that longing.  Yes, I know this is true, but that isn’t the reality of most woman who have this wound inside of their hearts and never had a Father to be that role model in their life of what a man is supposed to be like.  The reality is that there are many woman and even men who are searching for full filment on their wound in many ways and a “Christianese” response doesn’t help.

As I ponder this existance in my heart I’m recoginizing and being revealed a lot about who I am and where I have come from and experienced.  I will be 26 in two months and I can tell you that I have a much better idea of what I need in a man and what kind of man I should be dating.  My decisions and choices are a lot different than they were 5, 4 or 3 years ago.  I can see how my experience from the past is giving me an opportunity to choose wisely.

This pondeirng has also created an honest and open conversation with God and even how I perceive Him.  There are many questions I have about God and I also see that there is so much that He still hasn’t revealed to me.  I have often perceived God as this older man who stands tall, mighty and ready to cast me down everytime I make a mistake.  But as I draw closer to Him and His word I see a God with such wisdom and beauty.  I am starting to see that He is so patient with me and even grieves over my wound.  He has blessed me with some incrediable amazing men in my life to speak truth into my life in ways that I never received from a man and I’m completely grateful.

I don’t have all the answers and I’m still processing so much as I allow the Spirit to move in my heart and reveal truths.  I’m constantly this work in progress.  I’m become a lot better in choosing men and usely choose the wisdom God has given me to know what is good and what isn’t.  But I also realize that I constantly have to surrender those deep needs to the Lord and allow Him to do the work He desires.  I wonder if this wound will ever truly be healed in this life time.  When I’m married one day my husband will fail me – the people in my life will fail me but it’s reminding myself that I do serve a God who says He will never fail me and that in the deepest core of who I am – He is with me and I’m to take that promise everyday.

The other morning driving to work I stopped at the gas station to fill up my car.  Like any other time I slide my credit card through the machine, punch in my zip code and begin to pump.  As I was putting the pump back into the slot I heard a man from behind me: “Miss, do you have a couple of dollars to spare for gas?”  When I turned around to see this man I was expecting someone who had clothes from years ago, hadn’t taken a shower in a few days and with facial hair that reminds me of Santa Claus.  To my surprise he was a normal looking man who seemed to be dressed with attire for a normal business job.  Now, usually when this happens I tell the person I don’t have cash on me and walk away.  Just the other week I was going to Trader Joe’s to get grocery’s after a work out from the gym.  An older lady came up to me and had asked if I had cash because someone has stolen her purse and she needed money for the bus.  I immediately like many other times in my life said, “No” when I did have a couple of dollars on me and walked in the store.  I remember walking in the store being convicted that I had lied to this woman and could have spared some change for her.  I had hoped that once I got my few grocery’s I would see her again and this time give her the cash.  As I walked out the store I looked and she was no where to be found. 

Back to the other morning.  As I turned around to see this man something came over me that didn’t even give me the chance to hesitate and tell him no, in response I said, “I think so, let me check.”  So I walked around to my car and opened my wallet to see the exact of money he had asked for ($3).  Now, I usually don’t carry cash on me, but for some reason this week I happen to have a little bit in my wallet.  I grabbed the money and handed it to him.  He said, “Thank you” and walked off.  As I got in my car to head to work this verse popped in my head, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” – Matthew 25:40.

Now, I’m not certain if this gentleman actually used the few bucks I gave him to buy gas or for something else, but to me that wasn’t the point.  As I was walking to lunch with a professor and staff member here in the Theology department I began to share with him my experience – how I instantly with no hesitation gave him a couple of bucks to spare.  We began having a discussion of how paralyzed we as Christians can get when someone ask for something.  We instantly assume the worst and are  blindsided to being use because we are so fixated on ourselves.  The professor began to share with me that it isn’t our job to determine what the person does with what we gave him, but that we were willing to be obedient to what the Spirit was leading us to do and the rest is up to God.

I’ve got to admit it is easy for me to get caught up in the things of my life and become paralyzed and blinded by the pure opportunities God is purposing in front of me to be used.  I’m selfish and I want to do things when I want to do them.  I don’t want to be bothered with people who are asking for a few dollars to spare for food, gas or a bus ride.  When I begin to examine how cold my heart really can be, it makes me sad – mainly because I know the spirit inside of me desires to live out a life that represents the Kingdom of God with grace, mercy, justice and love – to help those in need and loves those who need it the most.

Has I have been pondering the last couple of days about being aware of these opportunities I’m realizing that the Spirit of God is moving in and around me -  but I need to be aware and sensitive to that leading.  I’m not good at listening to the Spirit, I often think he takes to long to get back to me, constantly leaving me waiting and waiting.  When I want answers, I want them right then and there, yet God is reminding me that all in His timing.  The other morning was perfect timing.  I can’t explain it, but I knew that God did have a plan and wanted that guy to ask me for a couple of dollars – especially since my prayer this week was asking God to show me how to be sensitive and aware of when the Spirit is moving for opportunities.  It wasn’t this magical circumstance, it was just a 25 year old woman going about her business in the morning and responding to what I knew the Spirit was leading me to do.

My prayer is that myself and the Christian community – those who are followers of Christ would be reminded of how important it is that we are aware of what the Spirit of God is doing in our lives.  I realize that there are many opportunities being place in front of us daily, but that we would ask God to give us eyes to see and ears to hear what those “burning bushes” are.  And God isn’t angry with us when we decide or forget to miss out on those situations, but He so loving continues to pursue and keep giving knowing that one day we will respond.

My whole 25 years of existence I’ve heard from my parents, friends, the church – “You must be content in your singleness before you can be content being married.”  I got to admit, I don’t like that phrase, nor do I like the word “content”.  I believe it is over used in the Christian circle.  I wonder how many people truly know the meaning behind that statement when they say it or do they imply it to others because there is nothing else to say in the state of someone who desires to be married, but hasn’t met the right person.

I’ve battled my own “contentment” in my life.  Last year I spent most of my year healing from an end of a three year relationship – with a man I truly was in love with.  Coming out of that I saw many girlfriends enter into great/healthy relationship with Godly men.  I went from being completely broken over the end of my own relationship to bitter at the fact that here I am dealing with so much pain from the loss while others are blissfully falling in love in front of me and even my ex supposedly finding the love of his life.  In the last recent months I have wrestled with God over my emotions, thoughts, actions and attitude – praying for peace or contentment. 

I don’t think I cried as much as I cried in the last year.  Many conversations with friends were, “I’m tired of pain, I’m tired of my emotions, I’m tired of feeling.”  Although my friends encouraged this journey of healing and applauded me for going deep I hated it with every being in my soul.  I was angry with God and with myself.  And I felt completely abandoned from the one who says he would never leave me.  My prayers were more of a child angry at their parent because they didn’t understand their ways.

So, this brings me to today and the last couple of weeks.  It’s been over a year since the break-up and never in a million years did I think I could poses the state of mind that exist today in my soul.  I thought those tears would last forever…even when friends said it wouldn’t be like that forever.  As I laid my head to sleep last night after a wonderful time with life group there were millions things that I could have lifted up but the only thing that my heart could speak was complete gratitude.  In Brennan Manning’s book Ruthless Trust he spends a whole chapter talking about gratitude and even says, “The foremost quality of a trusting disciple is gratefulness…” 

There are no words to explain this peace I am at in my life.  Instead of jealously over the wonderful relationships my girlfriends are experiencing and even some who are about to get married this year I am completely grateful and happy that they have found the love of their life.  And as I think about my last relationship with the only man I have been in love with in my life – I’m grateful that I no longer am in that relationship and also grateful for the painful journey it took me to realize how God has protected me from so much more pain.  I think most of us can see how when in painful difficult moments everything is so foggy and dusty – nothing makes sense.  And yet it is always in hind site once time has passed and the fog is lifted from your eyes and things are finally clean you are able to see the whole picture.

Not only has this place of peace given me a heart of gratitude, but also the state of mind of being okay where I am at in life as a single woman.  Everyday I wake up to get ready for work I’m thankful for the job I have and the people I work with…the community of people God has placed in my life…the different ministries I’m involved in to be used and even the breath of life I have.  I always knew that this season would come, yet it seemed so far in the distance, but I don’t think I would be so grateful for it if I hadn’t had those moments of anger, sadness, pain or disappointment.  The times where I thought I had been abadoned and even felt it were the moments where He really was caring me, just like He had said in His word.

By no means do I have my life figured out, everyday I’m learning to cultivate the Grace of God and simply allow His Spirit to be present in my life.  I am constantly being reminded of what it means to truly go deep with others and posses a life of humility, strength, courage, grace and love.  I’m so thankful that we serve a God who is so patient with us, allows us to be real and honest with ourselves and Him.  If it is one thing I have learned over the last year is that being real with God is a beautiful thing.  I’m not afraid anymore that He might lash at me for being pissed with Him, but that the love that was shed on that cross is the very love that He gives even in our moments of doubt.

When I was 19 I was given a book called Sacred Romance by John Eldridge.  I read bits and pieces of it and ended up putting it down.  It didn’t seem to resonate in my heart at the time or I just didn’t care.  So, last night with a few minutes to spare before bed, I decided to take the advantage to pick up this book and start reading the first chapter and this wonderful paragraph caught my attention:

“”The inner life, the story of our heart, is the life of the deep places within us, our passions and dreams, our fears and our deepest wounds. It is the unseen life, the mystery within – what Buechner calls our “shimmering self.” It cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion. Art, poetry, beauty, mystery, ecstasy: These are what rouse the heart. Indeed, they are the language that must be spoken if one wishes to communicate with the heart. It is why Jesus so often taught and related to people by telling stores and asking questions. His desire was not just to engage their intellects but to capture their hearts.” – The Sacred Romance

I am a person with a big heart and there have been many times in my life where I have been pissed that God created me to love and feel deeply.  My heart is the core where I dream, have vision, seek God, love God, desire intimacy – to love and be loved.  If you would have asked me 10 years ago where I saw myself at the age of 25, it wouldn’t be where I am now.  My little naive heart didn’t know what was ahead in my life.

I’ve been thinking about the places that I have allowed my heart to go weather it was career wise, family, friends, church and relationships.  And I also remember when I fully allowed Jesus to capture my heart.  Each of us have a different story to tell when that moment hit you where you realized that it was just you and God and nothing else mattered – nothing.

Last week I was reminded of that time in my life – the desperation, the longing for God to come and be real and evident in my life.  And the thing with God is He is never predictable.  Completely takes you off guard but can captivate you and make you feel like you are the only person for Him.

I was 20 and it was during a weekend of brokeness where Jesus captivated me.  And I can assure you that I have not been the same woman since than.  It amazes me how in your complete brokeness, sorrow and pain the God of the universe can sweep you off your feet.  Redemption came for me that weekend in January of 2004.  I realized that my faith wasn’t because I was raised in it, went to church youth group or read the bible and the right books, honored my parents, it was because I completely realized that this life isn’t worth living without Jesus Christ by your side.

After that incident the next year Jesus became more real to me than He ever had.  I felt completely in love with my savior – really in love.  They say that a woman is most beautiful when she is in love – I believe it.  I felt completely beautiful and ready to conquer anything that came my way. 

It’s been five years since Jesus rescued me and gave me a new heart.  Growing up I always believed in Jesus Christ, loved Him and desired to devote my whole being to serve Him, but I believe there comes a time in ones life where God becomes more real to you then He was when you were 10.  I am amazed how fast these past 5 years have been.  I’ve been able to ponder and look back at where my heart has been.  There are many good places that it had experienced His goodness, but with goodness also comes pain.  I’ve had to spend many nights in the arms of friends as they wiped the tears away from my face, prayed over me, and cried with me.  Although those are the moments where I hated that I even had a heart, they were the times where I felt closet to God.  At the time you don’t understand it and you wonder how it could it be possible that the God of the Universe was comforting me.  It’s in hind site when things are a bit clearer and the fog has been washed from your eyes where you see that He did carry you just like you had asked Him to.  And I’m thankful that this Valentines Day that the one who has brought me through many hardship and trials to come holds my heart.  I can trust and rest in the truth that the way He created my heart to be is exactly how it should be.

In the last couple of weeks, I have immense myself into many changes in my life.  I started a new job last week working as the Dean’s Assistant at a local Christian college which led me to leave my old job I was at for two and a half years.  I moved into a new place with a dear friend of mine into a beautiful apartment and had my wisdom teeth pulled.  My life has been busy in the last weeks coming home from a wonderful trip visiting my family in New York.  Since I got back a couple of weeks ago I feel like I haven’t had time to rest.

On top of the new changes, I’ve had some disappointing news about my South Africa trip – I will not be going this winter.  After much prayer on my own and with the leaders, there was an agreement that it was not the right timing with all the different changes happening all at once in my life.  I knew the morning of the day I was going to find out the news on “yes” or “no” on the trip I read my usual devotional which title was, “When God Says No”, and it was immediately I knew that God was saying noto South Africa and yet as disappointing it is which I have so much passion and desire to serve those I would meet in South Africa, I had this peace and comfort that it was going to be “okay” and I must trust like Isaiah says, “His ways are not our ways…”  I was encouraged to apply for the summer trip that leaves in June or July and so I’m faithfully praying that if that is God’s will, He will open the door.

What is so great about my job is on Monday’s, Tuesday’s, Thursday’s and Friday’s they have chapel from 10:30AM-11:00AM.  It is not mandatory to go, but because I love that I get a half hour to go and hear from the Lord, I go.  And yesterday at chapel they taught on Psalm 43 where we have that famous verse, “Be still and know that I am God.”  I have grown to appreciate this verse many times in my walk with the Lord, but something stood out yesterday that left me teary eyed and thankful for God’s word.  After the message, they played a song that I am very familiar with by Rebbecca St. James, Be Still and Know.  I was in Junior High when this song came out and I remember singing along many times when I would hear it.  As I sitting listening to this song, I fell the spirit of the Lord remind me to Be Still and Know that He is God.  With all the changes going on and disappointments I have been experiencing there has been a lot of question of who God is in my life.  When I shared last week with my two co-leaders, Rich and Curt about my news with South Africa, as I stood there weeping I said, “I don’t understand God…He says noa lot in my life and then He gives you these desires and asks you to wait.”  It was a vulnerable moment for me.

I am so amazed and blessed by my new job and the opportunity I have here to flourish in my career path, but there are also many other passion and dreams that I desire that seem to be so far in the distant.  I’ve seen in the last weeks many girlfriends flourish in relationships with Godly men in their lives who love and cherish them the way that God desires and find myself asking, “God, did you forget about me?”  I have had many of my wonderful friends tell me, “I promise your time will come when you will meet the man of your dreams.”  But when you see all your  best friends meet their dreams you wonder if yours will ever come true. 

I’ve spent many nights recently wondering about my time.  Does God even have a match for me out there and if so will he love me just the way that I need to be loved?  My last relationship was horrible and left me with many wounds and lies.  I felt so inefficient in that relationship, I was never enough or I was too much and it scares me to know that this is true.  The core of my being knows that the truth is I am enough and I’m not too much but it is a battle to not believe those lies. 

And so this brings me back to Chapel yesterday about being still.  As I sat there listening to this song I knew God was speaking to me, to remind me that He still is who He says He is.  That I need to trust that my dreams, passions and desires will come to past and what He says He promises, I must believe, even in the weakest moments or times of my life.  And I know where I am at is a good place.  I believe that with every being inside of me that He is holding me and walking this journey with me and I can’t see what is in front of me, but the faith that has got me through so many dark moments of my life must remain and grow stronger and deeper.\

I’ve seen so much of His faithfulness in my life that I couldn’t even imagine that it wasn’t true now.  I’m not sure why the path God has given me is the way that it is and it seems with others it is easy because I can stand here and say that my path has not been easy.  It has been quite the opposite – hard.  And even though sometimes I don’t understand, there is that still small voice that whispers to me, For My Glory.  And because I have seen his marvelous glory revealed in my life I realize that the valley’s seem to be all worth it, knowing that my King, my God is not only unveiled, but that in the midst I am drawing deeper into intimacy with Him.

I love moments.  The moments where spending time with friends who love you just the way you are, the moments where you sit in church and you know that God is speaking right to your heart, moments where you find yourself twirling around your house because it feels fun to go back to that little girl who are still in ways or the moments where God brings you to a place of peace and freedom. 

I have felt many moments in my life where God was so close that I didn’t want it to end.  I found myself praying, “Lord, help me to embrace this moment and remember it tomorrow when it’s not there.”  One time in particular I remember was back in February of 07 where I played Frisbee golf with some friends for the first time and ended up getting hit the lip.  Of course it had to happen my first time and with people I had just met that day.  I remember my friend and her husband taking me to the Emergency Room.  As my name was called to receive my stitches I remember laying on that bed while the nurse was putting in the 7 stitches.  When she left to get my paper work this moment came over me.  You see the night before I found myself crying in my car to the Lord about many things that I didn’t understand and crying out, “Lord where are you?”  So as I lay on the bed in the Emergency Room and the lights in my face I felt the peace like a river that Psalm talks about wash over me.  I started to get teary eyed and knew it was at that moment that He was there and that I was going to be fine.  I felt peace after that moment…my cry has been heard and He was reminding me that even in the depth of my heartache and pain…He remains.

Today I had a moment.  One I had been praying and longing for a while.  I wrote a blog a couple of entries ago about loving your enemies and how God had shown me in my heart that my ex boyfriend had  become and enemy in my heart.  It has been cold toward him.  And I had been challenged by amazing people in my life to offer that to the Lord and to even pray for my ex.  I had my life group lay hands on me for God to give me strength to release it all to the Lord…the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment, and failure. 

I came across an old e-mail during the time that I had gotten hit in the lip with a Frisbee.  It was between my ex and I at the time (during the one of the many times we broke up).  I don’t know how I came across it, but as I was reading it in the e-mail my ex was telling me how sorry he was for treating me the way that he had.  And it was at that moment with tears in my eyes that I felt God was showing me that he is sorry, even this time around.  I walked away from my computer to pray and for the first time in almost 7 months with no anger, no pride, no sadness…just a pure heart I prayed for my ex…I prayed for a blessing upon him and his new girlfriend, that together they would be better for the Kingdom of God than apart.  And I also released him to the Lord saying, “Lord he is yours now.”  With plenty of tears in my eyes as I was praying this I felt this peace wash over me.  You know that peace that James talks about…that passes all understanding.

As I shared this experience with two of my closest friends who both have walked this very painful journey with me I could not help but be thankful for the last 3 years of my life with this man, the good, the bad and the ugly – I am thankful.  I believe that my ex will always have a special place in my heart, I will always love him, but I believe that the love that God has for me and my future husband will be richer and deeper.  It will be pure and completely full of the Lord.  I don’t have to worry…all I need to do is trust.  And who knows what tomorrow will be like or how I will feel, but this is a moment I want to cherish for as long as it last.

Last year I ventured out on a missions trip to New Orleans to help with relief from Hurricane Katrina.  I remember when our church launched the “GO Campaign,” at our church.  I knew that I wanted to be a part of this movement that was taking place.  With all the different places to choose from after prayer, my friend and I decided to sign up for one of the New Orleans teams that were going.  As the days anticpated the arrival of the trip I could not help and wonder how God was going to use us and how we were going to be changed as we came back to Orange County, California.

Those 5 days spent in New Orleans changed my whole perception of servanthood and missions.  To my left of my desk is a group picture of my team.  All 22 of us.  As I look at that picture I am reminded of the effort each of us put in to be used.  From the first project of doing yard work for a house that looked like it belonged in the forest, to having conversations with the homeless down in Jackson square and meeting Mary who shared with us her story of the days of Hurricane Katrina…my heart, soul and mind was being transformed for a deeper understanding of what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ.

I spent days writing in my journal coming back from that trip asking God what was next.  My heart was overwhelmed with emotion and longing to do more.  Mission trips have there way of doing that to us, don’t they?  I got the opportunity to share with numerous people my experience and desire to do more for the Kingdom of God.

It was a couple of months before I left for New Orleans I went to a good-bye gathering for my friend Erin who was headed off to be a missionary in Africa.  As we sat in chairs watching videos of the people of Africa something began to stir in my heart.  I wanted to go one day.  I never thought in a million years I would have a desire to go to Africa.  Not that I was against other countries, I just thought that the United States was where I wanted to serve.  I love how God slowly and patiently changes our desires when we allow him.

Earlier this year they were asking for applications for those who wanted to go on a missions trip to South Africa.  This was the first time my church was sending people on this trip.  When I had heard about it I saw that I had missed the deadline to turn my application in.  After realizing this I said, “Lord next year when the opportunity arises I want to be the first to fill out the application and turn it in.”  A couple of months passed and then to my suprise during announcments one Sunday morning they mentioned that they were sending a second team to Africa for the winter.  I knew immediately God was calling me to turn in my application.  I just knew that I knew that I knew.  So, I printed out the application online and turned it in.  Following the week of turning in my application I got a call for my interview.  On the day of my interview I asked that God would be my words and that whatever happends would be his will…but deep down inside I was screaming, “Please let me know…I want to go…I want to go.”  After my meeting they said they would get back to me in the next couple of weeks.

The next couple of weeks I anticipated weather I was going to get the call that I had got accepted or that they were sorry but to try out for next year.  I was telling everyone I knew how I truly wanted to go and knew that somehow, someway God was going to put it on the leaders hearts to choose me out of the 20 people they were going to take.  Well, on Thursday, July 31st I got a call from one of the ladies who interviewed me and she said, “Tiffany how would you like to go to South Africa?”  With completely excitment in my voice I said, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”  That day I could not stop telling everyone that I knew…co-workers, friends and family.  Out of 60 people who applied to go on this trip I was one of the 20 that they had picked.  I couldn’t believe it.

Last Sunday we had our first orientation where I met my team and the founder of the organization that our church partners with in South Africa.  We got to learn about the culture, what to expect and the next few months of preparing for our departure in Decemeber.

The orangization that we will be working with is Bridges of Hope.  They have built a retreat center for children who are orphans.  Since most of these kids do no have family we will be having Christmas with them at the center.  We were told that it is going to be like summer camp.  And since December/January in South Africa is summer I know that it is going to be a time of a lot of outdoor activties.

Last night I had a conversation with a woman I met a few weeks ago.  She works for Campus Crusade for Christ in Florida.  I was sharing with her how I am so excited to learn about the culture and see how others truly live life.  I desire to see the joy that these people have even in the midst of horrific circumstances with AIDS being a huge epidemic in that area and tons of children being orphaned daily due to AIDS.  She shared with me the joy of the experience I will have since she herself has been to South Africa.  As we ended our conversation with prayer I wrote in my journal and asked God to walk with me in this journey, through fundraising my money, getting to know my teammates, learning about this culture and being open to however He desires to use me.

It is amazing how I never thought I would go to South Africa and here I am getting ready for a trip that is going to change me in more ways than I can imagine.  I love how God changes our hearts for His desires when we allow Him to.  He is so good at that

“But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be son’s of your Father in heaven…” Matthew 5: 44-45. 

As I walked into church for the Saturday night service and grabbed a bulletin the title said, “Love your enemies.”  Growing up in the church you often here this phrase used countless times.  I have heard many sermons on how important it is to love those who curse you, or wrong you or out to get you.  Growing up love seemed easy.  Probably because I didn’t really know what it meant to truly love – Love boundlessly that is, the way that God loves.  Usually growing up I would have my normal fights with friends or the arguments with your parents because they tell you want to do all the time but usually after the fights weather it was friends or parents you “kissed and made up.”  And maybe loving was easy because of my child like mindset that didn’t seem to have that easy bitterness of life yet, or the hardships of facing grown up life and realizing that life isn’t all that is cracked up to be.

So, back to this weeks sermon at my church.  I was already excited for how my Saturday night was going to turn out.  I had two wonderful girlfriends sitting with me and on top of that some other friends all joined since after church we were all going to head to the Orange County Fair (It is a tradition for me to go since I have been a little girl).  Saturday night services are always so refreshing since it is less crowded, you don’t have to rush to get a seat and the people you see are mostly families which brings in this warm welcome.  I knew I was ready to receive whatever the message was going to be about and asked God to open my heart to the reality of what He desires to show me.

I can’t remember all the message (if you desire to listen to it you can go to rockharbor.org and click on the message at the top that says, “Love your enemies” trust me, this message will impact you no matter where you are at in life) but I do remember starting to let the tears pour when our main teaching pastor, Mike Erre began to describe the rejection and persecution Christ went through on the cross and yet in the midst of it he loved those who rejected him, spit on him, mocked him and hung him on the cross to die.  As he began to speak about what it means to love our enemies, both my two friends put their loving arms around me as they knew exactly what was going on in my heart.  I didn’t realize it until then, but my ex-boyfriend, a man who I still love today in some form had become such an enemy in my heart.  For the last three years I was tossed back and forth on one minute him loving me and the next minute not sure about things.  The words he used to cut me down (I don’t believe it did it to be malicious, he himself wasn’t sure what he was doing) have become such a hard escape to overcome.  Insecurities that he pointed out at me and then use them against me have been tormenting me wondering if a man could ever love me the way that God desires for me to be loved.  The abuse that went back and forth has taken such a deep root in my heart.  Why can’t I just let all this junk go, why can’t I just heal?  As I sat in my chair with my girlfriends arms around me my heart was pounding inside of me and the realness of my heart was being exposed.  I will never forget when the Mike Erre said, “Sometimes we just need to be reminded that our God is big enough to handle justice and take care of all the wrong doings that have happened to us.”

As the music started I found myself walking over to the crosses around the room.  I normally don’t go to the crosses during response time, but this was a time where I knew I needed to kneel before my Father and lay it all out.  And for the first time as I knelt down at the cross with my head bowed God spoke to me and said, “No need to speak.”  So as I sat there weeping and let it all out and the amazing thing is that I didn’t need to say a word, He knew my heart, He knew exactly what I wanted to say, but had no words to say.  All he wanted from me was an open heart to be humbled by him.  For the next 10 minutes I just sat there at the cross weeping.  And my passionate heart could only say, “God I want to trust that you are big enough to handle this situation.”

As I walked away from the cross to head back to my seat I felt this sense of peace wash over me.  A peace in my heart that says, “I am big enough, trust me and I will show you.”  So with my hands raised during the last song I praised God and thanked Him for showing me the truth inside of my heart and being so patient and loving in all of it.

And so I received a phone call this week from a person who has become a second mother to me, telling me how she thought about me during the Sunday morning message (the same message I heard on Saturday night).  She challenged me to pray for my ex and to allow God to use that prayer time to continue to heal my heart for the last 3 years of much heartache.  It has been 5 months since I partied ways with my ex and yet I can only recall one time where I truly sincerely prayed for him.  I was sharing with my life group last night how for the three years he was in my life I constantly prayed for him in so many ways, yet in the last 5 months my heart has been cold toward him and praying for him was not something I wanted to do.  As Rebecca challenged me this week to pray for him I can not help but feel a sense of the spirit leading me to do so and giving me the words and strength to pray for this “enemy” of mine that I have created in my heart.

After life group last night I had my life group lay hands on me and pray over my heart and the continual healing process it is taking for me to move on with my life.  Never did I think that I would be here in this situation.  When you are a hopeful person like myself you believe in the best when it comes to relationships, work, friendships and life.  It still baffles me how you can be so close to someone and then walk right next to them like you never knew them.  I don’t understand it.

We all have enemies within the depths of our heart and even justifiable so, but as Christians Christ calls us to live a different standard, a different life that says to loves those who hurt us, to pray for those who wound us.  How would our life be affected if we actually lived up to this?  How would our hearts change?  My hope is that in the midst of praying for those people it means letting go.  It means saying, “God I leave them in your hands.”  And us I understand it is not easy, it can be a battle, but I promise it is a battle worth fighting, it is a life style worth living and maybe we don’t get anything out of it, but what we do get is a Heavenly, Perfect Father who is pleased.  And even in the midst of being obediant our perspective of life changes and instead of living in bondage or expectations we can live a life of freedom.