Living a life for the name of and person of Jesus Christ

Since October of 2008, I’ve been in a period called the Dark Night of the Soul.  Some people are familiar with this phrase and others aren’t.  I had never heard of this term until a couple of years ago when a friend in my women’s group shared her own experience going through the Dark Night.  The Dark Night of the Soul is used to describe a phase in a person’s spiritual life marked with a sense of loneliness and desolation.  It was originally a poem written by a Monk in the 16th Century, Saint John of the Cross.  In the season of the Dark Night, a follower of Christ looses their experiential value in prayer or consistent devotion to God.  Prayer becomes difficult and unrewarding.  A heavy presence of doubt covers the person as well as the feeling of abandonment and confusion before God.  It’s important to note that not everyone goes through this season.

When I first entered this journey through the Dark Night of the Soul I didn’t want to believe it.  Even when my friend shared her own experience I related in so many deep ways but I didn’t want to believe that God would take me through this process…I didn’t want to believe that He would allow me to feel the sense of abandonment, loneliness, doubt or emptiness.  Coming from a very hard life that I lived, there was no way that my God…who I looked to for everything would allow this journey to flow into my life.  Living in Christ and for Christ in my early years as a believer were amazing.  Everyday I felt pursued, romanced and near to God.  I would go on dates with Him, I would spend morning, afternoon and night in His word – praying and seeking after Him.  Everyday was full of hope, peace, contentment and pure passion for Him.  I wanted to spend every free minute I had with Him…I was in love with my Maker.  

In October of 2008, everything changed.  I didn’t know it at first.  As time went on, as prayers were said, songs were sung, my heart began to feel very distant.  I no longer could sing songs that I sang passionately at church.  I no longer knew how to pray for myself and my prayers felt unheard.  The intimacy I once had with God was nowhere to be found.  I felt very confused and brokenhearted.  I was angry.  I was frustrated.  I was upset.  I was mad.  I remember I would stand in the back at church during response time and would watch people sing from their hearts, life their hands to God.  As I stood in the back of my church, my heart was screaming – it was screaming at God.  Songs that used to fill up my soul with adoration became just words.  My belief in them had diminished.  It wasn’t real to me anymore.  I wondered many times, “Why do I even come to church?  Why do I even pray?  Why do I even try.”

The first part of this season I didn’t want to deal with it.  I kept pushing through it hoping that it would be over soon.  There was no way I was going to be in this forever.  I kept fighting and fighting.  I would fake it through until finally I began to accept this part of my journey with God.  Instead of fighting my way out of it, I began to sit in it and realize that this is where I was at.  It now became a reality in my life – I accepted the reality.  My reality.

As I shared in previous post – during this season my girlfriends were experiencing great joy with entering into romantic relationships with men that wanted to be with them, men that chose them.  And my dating life – well it was no fun.  I went on dates but the moment I thought something could work out, I would get the door slammed in my face.  I didn’t understand God.  I didn’t understand why my prayers for a mate weren’t being answered and my friends prayers for mates were being answered.  I entered into therapy the beginning of the year of 2010.  And although I look back in therapy as a good and healthy thing, I felt God was distant in that as well.  I felt like I was fighting for my own soul alone.  I was alone in my pain.  I was alone in processing everything that I had experienced in my childhood and early twenties.  And the times where I needed God the most to come and sit with me, hold me and whisper promises in my ear – He was nowhere to be found.

As time went on I had heard friends speak of how they have monthly sessions with a Spiritual Director.  I was intrigued and fascinated by the thought of sitting down with someone who could help me navigate through my relationship with God.  I contacted my church to send me a list of Spiritual Directors they had on file and picked a lady who has been doing this for a quite a while.  I met with my Spiritual Director for the first time on Monday after work.  I was anxious and hopeful that our first meeting would help bring clarity and some revelation to everything that I have been going through in the last three years with God.

Well, there was no revelation or shift in change with how I view God.  I can say with confidence that my meeting with my Spiritual Director was perfect, it was perfect to sit with someone and share the deep parts of my relationship with God that I’m having a hard time with.  She asked me if I’m angry with God.  With tears in my eyes, I nodded…yes.  She also asked if I’ve been honest with my prayers before God.  Again, I nodded…yes.  This wasn’t always the case in my whole life, but ever since I entered into the Dark Night, I’ve found myself completely bare, naked and honest before God.  I often wonder what He thinks when I’m screaming and yelling at Him and honestly, sometimes cursing.

At the end of the session she asked me one question, “If you could get one thing out of this journey, what do you want.”  I sat there for a moment, thought about it and said, “Above the desire to get married, have a family one day, my desire out of this journey is to know that He is near and working in my life.  To hear Him again.  To have Him near to my heart again.”  And she ended with this verse in Job 14: 7-9:

For there is hope for a tree,
   if it be cut down, that it will sprout again,
   and that its shoots will not cease.
⁸Though its root grow old in the earth,
   and its stump die in the soil,
⁹yet at the scent of water it will bud
   and put out branches like a young plant.

And after she read that verse she said, “Sometimes all you need is that scent of water to breathe and live again.”  I’m dying for that scent of water to wash over me.  I want to hope again. I want to be excited and in Awe of God again. I want to trust in His ways and believe that He hasn’t forgotten me.  I have no idea when this season will be over.  I have no idea why I have to go through this.  And I’m told that being in the Dark Night is a blessing in disguise.  If it is – I’m ready for the blessing.  I’m ready to be done and yet I understand that sometimes, season’s like this, take time and work.  So, in the meantime…I’m seeking.  I’m not going to stop until He shows up again.

I know one day I’m going to write a book about my experience in the Dating world.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever written a post about my dating experiences in the almost three years I stepped back into the “single” category.  For me this has been the most vulnerable place in my heart to talk, share, discuss and work through.  A friend of mine released a book last year titled, “A Year of Blind Dates – A Single Girls Search for the One.”  She even has a blog where she post her experience through the dating world.  I love how vulnerable, open, communicative, hilarious and real she is talking about her single life journey.  Since this friend of mine inspires me, I’ve decided to let the blog world enter into the craziness of my dating life!

I hate dating…period!  I wasn’t always that way.  If you would have asked me about dating when I was in my early twenties, especially between the ages of 19-22,  I would tell you with much excitement that it’s a lot of fun.  I would then proceed with my recent dates.  I can even re-call one time after high school meeting someone at a stop light on the way home from shopping at the mall with a friend.  We actually ended up going to the mall once and then my friend and I drove up to a party that his friend was having at a house.  After that party I knew I wasn’t interested any longer.  But not for him – for about a year I received calls from him leaving voicemails asking when he could see me next.  I thought after I didn’t return his second, third, fourth and fifth phone call he would get the hint!  Nope, not this one.  He did give up after the 100th call

I remember my first blind date.  I don’t remember the guys name, but he was Greek and came from a family much like, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.”  He was an EMT with my friend Jorge.  I actually met Jorge through another guy I dated.  Jorge became like a big brother (but I think he was actually interested in me at one point) and when I happened to be talking to him on the phone while he was working one day, his partner asked Jorge, “Who are you talking to?”  Next thing I knew, I was on the phone with Jorge’s co-worker making plans for a date.  We had never met before, but Jorge thought we would hit it off.  The gentleman ended up picking me up in Costa Mesa and driving me all the way to Pasadena to an Italian restaurant and walk around town while stopping at the shops and eating ice cream.

If you were to ask me what I think about dating today, I would reply, “It’s from the devil!”  I realize I’m not a dater - I’m a relationship girl.  I have no problem with dates and do actually well with conversation, questions and listening but I would much rather be in a committed relationship.  I understand that in order to be in a committed relationship – dating is part of the process…I don’t like the process.  It feels like a job interview.  You have to walk with confidence knowing that your great, smart, beautiful, funny and worthy at a chance of love.  And like going on a job interview wondering if this job is “the one” so is the same when it comes to dating.  Will this guy/girl be the one that I spend the rest of my life with?  We all think it whether we want to admit it or not.

I’ve done the online dating sites, been introduced by friends, set up by co-workers (all the woman at my work are on the look out for me) met at church, and even dated a guy back from High School.  Dating was fun when I was younger – I felt I had all the time in the world to figure out if I would meet Mr. Right, but as a 27-year-old single woman, it’s not so fun any longer.  Here comes the vulnerable, honest and real part.  I’ve actually sat down many times with my close friends sharing the deepest longings within my heart about being married and having a family one day and to top it all off, this year has been the year of many close friends getting married.  I can honestly tell you that with all the wedding’s I’ve been to this year, I’ve been extremely happy for the couples but it has also been a reminder that I’m still single. 

I’ve had to work through my own issues about being single.  I shared last post how I was in therapy for about 8 months and many sessions were centered around the difficulty of being a single woman.  As I worked through my past hurts and was able to re-think what being single means to me, I’ve come out from being this needy girl to simply desiring someone to join my wonderful life with me.  The reality is, I have a wonderful life.  I enjoy my job, constantly learning new aspects of Education, working on finishing my Psychology degree, I’m part of a great church, I’m passionate about a couple of organizations that I help with when they need my assistance, I love to stay active and do adventurous things and I have a wonderful community that I laugh with, cry with, sit with and love soo much.  And although my life is pretty darn amazing, I can’t help but feel that loneliness of desiring to share it was an amazing man.

Recently I started dating a high school friend.  He had found me on facebook and when I asked him about getting together to catch up on the last 6 years of life, he ended up taking me out to a fabulous restaurant that turned into a great date night with a goodnight kiss.  He is a very successful man with a stable life.  He treated me like a Queen.  I honestly can’t remember when I actually went on a date with a man who wasn’t afraid to tell me how beautiful and amazing I was.  The only thing – he wasnt’ a Christian.  But I thought, “No one else is making a move, why not?”  It was the first time where I didn’t have expectations or seeing him as “husband” material.  I just wanted to go out, have fun and be treated like a lady.  Anyway, I believe it was after the 2nd date where I didn’t feel sure about him.  I remember sitting and talking with a co-worker and she said, “I think you’re trying to like him, but you really don’t.”  He and I had grabbed lunch at one of my favorite cafe’s and ended up walking around the mall.  Although I was able to be completely myself I felt like he and I weren’t on the same page when it came to life goals.  He took me into Tiffany & Co (I know, on the second date…who does that?) and was telling me how much certain rings cost (you should also know that he comes from a very wealthy background and Tiffany & Co happens to be one of his favorite stores).  We came across a beautiful, rare diamond that could make a girl so giddy looking at it.  “That ring cost about $390,000″ he stated.  “What?  Are you serious?  Who buys a ring for $390,000?  They should buy something a little cheaper and use the rest of the money to go feed hungry children.”  I remember him saying, “You know Tiffany, that’s a great way to look at life.”  And it was at that moment, I knew that he and I come from two different worlds.  He was about living luxurious, stylish, chic and very comfortable and me…well I just want to live life weather or not I have a diamond ring or a Gucci purse.  And it wasn’t just the style of life that was different, I felt that he wasn’t interested in me.  I got this sense that he was only interested in how good I looked in a dress or standing next to him.  That dating relationship ended this past weekend and has I’ve reflected this week, I’ve been trying to hope that one day I”m going to meet a man who is going to be soo thankful that none of those men I went on dates with or dated worked out.

You see, the reality of this week I’ve felt rejected, confused and a little sad.  I actually even saw my therapist to hash all this out and I remember telling her how great it felt to be pursued and adored by a man and my fear is that I’ll never have that with someone.  This whole week, I’ve had to battle the lies.

Last night at Life Group we were asked to right down one word next to our name on a 3×5 card that you would like prayer for this week.  As I sat there pondering what word to describe what I needed, Hope came to mind.  I need hope.  Hope that one day I’m going to laugh at my dating experience and be thankful I kissed all those wrong frogs in hopes that it was bringing me one step close to the man of my dreams.  I could meet him today, tomorrow or 5 years from now – I have no idea, but at this moment I’m asking that God would grant me the Hope that one day it will happen, one day I’ll meet a man who completes me in many ways.  Until that time, I will continue to live my life, be a part of organizations that I’m passionate about, grow as an individual and be thankful that all this dating experience is preparing me for “the one” and teaching me more about who I am and what I want for my future.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart of sadness.  My heart grieves the process of loss.  And never in a million years did I see this coming.

If each one of us actually sat down together and were able to open our hearts to the depths of emotions that lie in there I can only imagine what we would find.  I’m sure there would be thankfulness, joy, beauty, wholeness and yet at the same time pain, hurt, sorrow, disappointment and anger.  I remember earlier this year when I took a Philosophy class and we talked on the problem of evil.  My professor stated that when it comes to good and evil you can’t have one without having the other.  I don’t know if it was about what he said but it has always stayed in my mind.  I’ve had so many questions on the pain and suffering in this world and in my own life that his explanation on this matter made sense.  I think I’ve always known that about good and evil but wasn’t ready to accept the reality of it.

I’ve seen and experience a great deal of pain in my 26 years of living.  I have so many vivid memories of my past and yet at the same time joy also resides.

Life never prepares you for loss, whether it is a loved one who is ill and on their death bed, the death of a marriage, break-ups, a friend in a car accident or even the lost of a friendship that you cherished so much.  I’m a person who holds friendships very high.  My friends mean the world to me and all of them know this about me.  The friendships I have developed have become more than conversations and hang out time – they’ve become intimate times of bonding with tears, in depth conversations, walking through some hard parts of life with me and becoming a family that shares in joy and sorrow.  With friendships there is always times of annoying each other and that occasional disagreement or fight – just like any relationship.  When disagreements or misunderstanding arise I always work it out with them.  You talk it through, your honest, vulnerable and real and in the end it always works out.  But I realized last night that it isn’t always the case – sometimes you lose that friendship and move on.  There may be hope for reconciliation and restoring for the future but right now all you can see is the dead end.

I always knew that loosing a friendship with a girlfriend was worse than breaking up with a boyfriend.  The gift and beauty of friendship is one of my hearts treasures.  I value my friends in my life with great love.  I’ve seen a community of believers wrap their arms around me in times of deep despair.  They have spoken truth into my life when I needed it the most and have given me great counsel when I have been at lost for words.  They are constantly reminding me how strong, valuable and loved I am.  I’m beyond thankful for the people who have been placed in my life to walk this journey with me.  And as I sit here and think back and thank God for those friends my heart is in deep sadness over the loss of a friendship due to events that took place.  I’m not good at setting boundaries – I hate to admit that but it’s true.  I want to hold everyone in my life so close to my heart but I realize now more than ever how important it is to protect and guard your heart when someone does something that is not okay period.  I usually let it roll off my back, solve the problem (so I think) and then realize that I’m still hurting and not okay with what happened.  I don’t stop, take a step back and really evaluate my emotions and feelings.  I’m constantly thinking of the other person.  I believe this truth of thinking of others is so important when it comes to being a follower of Christ but I also think that we have hearts, emotions and feelings as well as the other person.  More than ever I believe it is important to examine those when you have been let down or hurt and funnel your way through them.  And that tension and uncomfortable ness is okay to sit in.  I’ve been sitting in that uncomfortable ness for the last two and a half weeks and it hasn’t been fun – I’ve actually hated it with every being inside of me.  The problem solver in me wants to fix it immediately. 

As I experienced this posture of sitting in the emotions I began to truly think about what I was feeling – betrayal, broken trust, stabbed in the back, pain and hurt were the things that came to my mind.  I asked God plenty of times – why?  Why now?  Why this way?  I constantly found myself journaling and praying for God’s wisdom in how to handle this situation with grace, love and truth.  I’ve never been confronted with this type of circumstance – I wasn’t prepared for this at all.  And that is when I realized that we really aren’t ever prepared for the darts that get thrown our way – we usually learn as it happens hoping and praying that God’s guidance and wisdom will help you deal with the situation – whatever it may be.  I’ve found myself asking God how I could be Christ in this situation – how to I exemplify His beauty and glory when I feel hurt.  I’m still unsure what that truly looks like in its puriest form but I know last night I had the opportunity to do the best that I can in being loving, caring, compassionate, graceful and yet speak the truth at the same time.  I felt God’s peace all around me as I shared and discussed with this friend.  I was confident in my decision, thoughts, convictions and emotions and although I walked away with feeling good about it all as I got in my car after spending an evening with a woman who has become a mother to figure to me I drove home with sadness in my heart.  Deep sadness.  Sadness of the way it has to be right now – that friendship I cherished so much as been broken and I have no idea how to fix it.  I have no answers at this moment.  Just thinking about it brings me to tears.  And how it all happened makes me even angrier and so I said earlier above a few paragraphs I’m left with – why God?  Why this way? 

As I prayed at the end of the conversation with this friend I gave the friendship into God’s hands.  I believe we serve a God of reconciliation and restoring – you see it throughout the Bible.  God redeems His people back to Him constantly.  We know that part of Jesus coming down and giving up his life for the sake of ours was all about reconciling us back to God – the way He intended it to be.  And yet though I believe this with all my heart I have no idea what it looks like for her and I.  Maybe a couple of months down the road things will change, but all I know right now is that what we had is broken and immediately fixing it right now will not solve how I truly am feeling inside and what I think to be true.  What’s done is done and you can’t turn back and change it and so part of this is accepting it is what it is. 

Back in my sophomore year of high school I had this English teacher who also taught French.  Every week we had a test on French sayings.  One of the ones I remember the most is c’est la vie which in English is translated as that’s life.  As I have been going through this experience this saying keeps popping up in my head.  Maybe it’s a way in connecting the reality with my emotions. 

The truth is I don’t have answers and I have no idea what the future holds.  Will reconciliation take place and if so, how?  I’m open to it but all I know is that right now my heart is deeply sadden not just over the situation that took place but the loss of a deep friendship I truly cherished with all my heart.  I have nothing to say hurtful or mean about this person – I even shared how I still love and care for her but that doesn’t erase what happened or the reality that my heart aches and hates that it has to be this way for right now.  How do you regain trust?  How do you mend a broken friendship?  All I can do is move on from this and hope and pray that some how good must come out of this.  But right now – c’est la vie.

The validation of a father’s love and acceptance is critical so that she is able to really gain an acceptance of herself and have a positive image of what a man is like.  If she doesn’t have that, then it is like going through life with that hole or that vacuum. Women try many different ways to get that filled to validate themselves, unfortunately. 

It [also] really affects their perception of God, especially when you say, “God is our heavenly Father.”  Their image of a father is, “Well, that’s not really very good, so I’m not sure I want that.”  – H.Norman Wright

Last week after driving home from class I had this immense amount of emotion pour over me.  We had just got done watching a film on ethics.  Part of the film was about a man’s own perception of love and life and it led me to thinking about my perception of love, life and relationships.  It’s been a topic on my heart lately and it began this deep and honest conversation with the Lord.  I think for the first time in my life I realized the deep wound I have in my heart that was never filled by an earthly father and how that has impacted my relationships and even my perception of God.

My mom raised me as a single mother until she married my step-dad when I was 12.  I have never met my biological father – he left when my mom told him she was pregnant with me and was never to be seen again.  He isn’t even on my birth certificate.  Growing up there was never a doubt in my mind that I wasn’t loved.  My mom was so amazing to show how much she adored, loved and believed in me – she was my best friend.  We did everything together and I was the center of her life.  I can still look back at the moments as a little girl and see how much my mom sacrificed for me to actually have some what of a normal childhood – I know it was very difficult for her.  I can’t imagine what it was like to be 25 years old and left alone to care for a child.  But I am beyond thankful for her diligence, persistence and complete devotion in loving me unconditionally.  If it is one person in my life today who has set an example of Christ unfailing love it has been my mom hands down.

But as a 25 year old woman I can see that although my mom did her best, she could never be a Father to me – the roles of a mother and father or very different in how they play an importance in a child’s life – particularly girls.  I realized that although my mom was so amazing to say that I was beautiful, loved and adored it is different when it comes from a man.  And although my mom married a man who never treated me like I was a stepchild but always as his own I didn’t receive the love and acceptance that God intends for all girls to have growing up.  I can see how that has affected the way I view myself and the men I have chosen to date.

Never in my life have I had a healthy relationship with a boyfriend.  Gosh, I hate to admit that is the case, yet it is true.  I’ve always dated men who were polar opposite than me, completely broken from their own upbringing or men who are just jerks and full of themselves.  I have never had a healthy view of what type of man I should choose to date, yet growing up in the church I knew that Godly man did exist.  Now, when I say “Godly” I don’t mean a man who claims to be a christian, attends church on Sunday’s and does some volunteering work, but it goes deeper than that…a man who strives for humility and lives a life of sacrifice for the sake of the Kingdom of God and treats others in a way that resembles the beauty of Christ is what I have learned this is the type of man I want to spend my life with.  I’ve realized just because a man says he is a follower of Christ – doesn’t automatically make him suitable for dating.

Not having a man in my life to be that role model in my life has affected me in more ways than I care to admit and although I take full responsibility for making poor choices in life – particulay men I know without a doubt in my mind being aboanded by my Earthly father has had a huge impact on my decisions.  It also leaves me with this deep need in my heart to be loved by a man.

On Saturday morning on the way to girls group my dearest friend Hillery and I were able to have a deep conversation as I shared with her the realization I had the other night and how I have this deep need to be loved by a man.  I was able to even share with her how I hate that the realization of my heart is even true with that matter – it makes me cringe and feel weak – yet it’s true.  Growing up in the church I constantly heard how much God loves me and I don’t need a man in my life to fulfill that longing.  Yes, I know this is true, but that isn’t the reality of most woman who have this wound inside of their hearts and never had a Father to be that role model in their life of what a man is supposed to be like.  The reality is that there are many woman and even men who are searching for full filment on their wound in many ways and a “Christianese” response doesn’t help.

As I ponder this existance in my heart I’m recoginizing and being revealed a lot about who I am and where I have come from and experienced.  I will be 26 in two months and I can tell you that I have a much better idea of what I need in a man and what kind of man I should be dating.  My decisions and choices are a lot different than they were 5, 4 or 3 years ago.  I can see how my experience from the past is giving me an opportunity to choose wisely.

This pondeirng has also created an honest and open conversation with God and even how I perceive Him.  There are many questions I have about God and I also see that there is so much that He still hasn’t revealed to me.  I have often perceived God as this older man who stands tall, mighty and ready to cast me down everytime I make a mistake.  But as I draw closer to Him and His word I see a God with such wisdom and beauty.  I am starting to see that He is so patient with me and even grieves over my wound.  He has blessed me with some incrediable amazing men in my life to speak truth into my life in ways that I never received from a man and I’m completely grateful.

I don’t have all the answers and I’m still processing so much as I allow the Spirit to move in my heart and reveal truths.  I’m constantly this work in progress.  I’m become a lot better in choosing men and usely choose the wisdom God has given me to know what is good and what isn’t.  But I also realize that I constantly have to surrender those deep needs to the Lord and allow Him to do the work He desires.  I wonder if this wound will ever truly be healed in this life time.  When I’m married one day my husband will fail me – the people in my life will fail me but it’s reminding myself that I do serve a God who says He will never fail me and that in the deepest core of who I am – He is with me and I’m to take that promise everyday.

My whole 25 years of existence I’ve heard from my parents, friends, the church – “You must be content in your singleness before you can be content being married.”  I got to admit, I don’t like that phrase, nor do I like the word “content”.  I believe it is over used in the Christian circle.  I wonder how many people truly know the meaning behind that statement when they say it or do they imply it to others because there is nothing else to say in the state of someone who desires to be married, but hasn’t met the right person.

I’ve battled my own “contentment” in my life.  Last year I spent most of my year healing from an end of a three year relationship – with a man I truly was in love with.  Coming out of that I saw many girlfriends enter into great/healthy relationship with Godly men.  I went from being completely broken over the end of my own relationship to bitter at the fact that here I am dealing with so much pain from the loss while others are blissfully falling in love in front of me and even my ex supposedly finding the love of his life.  In the last recent months I have wrestled with God over my emotions, thoughts, actions and attitude – praying for peace or contentment. 

I don’t think I cried as much as I cried in the last year.  Many conversations with friends were, “I’m tired of pain, I’m tired of my emotions, I’m tired of feeling.”  Although my friends encouraged this journey of healing and applauded me for going deep I hated it with every being in my soul.  I was angry with God and with myself.  And I felt completely abandoned from the one who says he would never leave me.  My prayers were more of a child angry at their parent because they didn’t understand their ways.

So, this brings me to today and the last couple of weeks.  It’s been over a year since the break-up and never in a million years did I think I could poses the state of mind that exist today in my soul.  I thought those tears would last forever…even when friends said it wouldn’t be like that forever.  As I laid my head to sleep last night after a wonderful time with life group there were millions things that I could have lifted up but the only thing that my heart could speak was complete gratitude.  In Brennan Manning’s book Ruthless Trust he spends a whole chapter talking about gratitude and even says, “The foremost quality of a trusting disciple is gratefulness…” 

There are no words to explain this peace I am at in my life.  Instead of jealously over the wonderful relationships my girlfriends are experiencing and even some who are about to get married this year I am completely grateful and happy that they have found the love of their life.  And as I think about my last relationship with the only man I have been in love with in my life – I’m grateful that I no longer am in that relationship and also grateful for the painful journey it took me to realize how God has protected me from so much more pain.  I think most of us can see how when in painful difficult moments everything is so foggy and dusty – nothing makes sense.  And yet it is always in hind site once time has passed and the fog is lifted from your eyes and things are finally clean you are able to see the whole picture.

Not only has this place of peace given me a heart of gratitude, but also the state of mind of being okay where I am at in life as a single woman.  Everyday I wake up to get ready for work I’m thankful for the job I have and the people I work with…the community of people God has placed in my life…the different ministries I’m involved in to be used and even the breath of life I have.  I always knew that this season would come, yet it seemed so far in the distance, but I don’t think I would be so grateful for it if I hadn’t had those moments of anger, sadness, pain or disappointment.  The times where I thought I had been abadoned and even felt it were the moments where He really was caring me, just like He had said in His word.

By no means do I have my life figured out, everyday I’m learning to cultivate the Grace of God and simply allow His Spirit to be present in my life.  I am constantly being reminded of what it means to truly go deep with others and posses a life of humility, strength, courage, grace and love.  I’m so thankful that we serve a God who is so patient with us, allows us to be real and honest with ourselves and Him.  If it is one thing I have learned over the last year is that being real with God is a beautiful thing.  I’m not afraid anymore that He might lash at me for being pissed with Him, but that the love that was shed on that cross is the very love that He gives even in our moments of doubt.